I was raised in the south. In my family, you were taught not to show any kind of vulnerability. That meant that any emotion you felt, you buried. When you felt sad, no one knew it. When you felt disappointed, no one knew it. When you felt angry, no one knew it. If anyone asked how you were doing, the proper southern response was, “Why, fine. Thank you for asking.” We all learned early to live behind a smoke screen.
Now, I was sexually abused from the ages of four to fourteen. Who did it is not important. Why it was done is not relevant to this story. I reveal this only to preface the fact that I had a load of hidden emotions buried deep within me. I started going to a psychologist at the age of twenty to deal with these feelings. I went only because I was dealing with some depression. Next thing I know, I am dosed with Sodium Pentothal and I am discussing the events that led up to the visit to the psych.
It really surprised me that I didn’t feel sad. I did not feel numb. I felt angry. I was angry that someone took something from me and I essentially had no control over it. He took my innocence.
As I said before, with my family, it is all about saving face. I was told to keep this to myself. Don’t be angry at the person….it is all about the forgiveness. Well, I listened carefully to what my mama and papa told me and then…….I let it fly! I let every ounce of anger that had built up in me for all those years loose. No dragon could have had more power behind it. Looking back, I see now that this is when I began to see glimpses of magick in my life.
I had worked in the church for years. I listened carefully as people again told me that I had to forgive. I had to bury those feelings of anger and replace them with love. I started studying the Bible even more. God experienced anger. God was a wrathful god. Jesus got angry. I researched other religions and faiths.
This was when I began to dabble in witchcraft (Oooooooooooo). I studied the gods and goddesses. I studied the Morrigan. Hmmmm a goddess of war. It was then that I realized my destiny. I did not have to hide or camouflage my anger. I could use it—make something constructive of it. I realized at that point that when you combine the anger with the workings of magick that you get a powerful result. I am not talking about hexing people. I am talking about pushing every ounce of that energy into the spellwork.
Many nights I have stood over the cauldron with a flame burning inside (me as well as in the cauldron). As I started the magick with the anger seething deep within, I found that as I meditated on whatever the need was (whether healing, or financial needs, or protection), the anger fanned the flame. It brought power to the moment.
As an example, I have a dear, dear friend who had to have brain surgery recently. It was the anger at whatever was invading her body that brought the magick to a boiling point. It was the love that I had for her that fanned that energy and pushed it out into the universe.
For these reasons, I never hold onto or hide my anger anymore. I push it out, confront it, and move beyond it. Sometimes you really just have to put into words exactly what you feel. Once it is out there, there is room for the love and healing to take place.
Am I an angry person? No….not anymore. I say what I think, when I think it. Does that make me a bitch? Sometimes. Does it strengthen my magickal life? Definitely.