This past weekend was a fun one for me. I have never really had much of a problem with my self esteem or my self image until, on Sunday afternoon, my closest friend called me the “F” word. Yes, you guessed correctly. FAT. Believe it or not, I had never been called that before. Sure, I am a very large fellow, and I am sure there have been snickers behind my back and children running and screaming as if Godzilla had landed—-but noone that I have ever been close to has used that word to describe me.
I was hurt. I was thrown for a loop. To be honest, if I were not as strong a person as I am, it would have destroyed me. I have never felt a pain wrench through my heart like that. I mean, I have experienced death, grieving, breakups….but this was a new feeling.
I dealt with the pain the only way I knew how for a while…..I pushed it deep down inside of me. I went through the evening acting normally toward him. We had a cookout to attend and noone would be the wiser. They would never know, nor would he,that my armor had been penetrated. I laughed, and talked and made my way jovially through the night. After all, isn’t that what fat people do?
As I entered the door to the apartment after the cookout, what happened really hit me…..and I started to get angry. I was angry that I had allowed someone elses opinion get to me so deeply. After all, I have never much given a flying vat of sh** what anyone’s opinion of me was. I have also never much kept my words and feelings bottled up and unexpressed.
I decided to sit my friend down and talk to him about my feelings. I explained how hurt I felt and what those sharp, dagger-like words did to my very soul. He looked at me and said that he said that to me hoping that it would motivate me. I told him that if that was motivation for him to never motivate me again. I also said that I was a good mind to turn him into a toad. He said, “Go ahead and do whatever magic you want. I am not afraid of what you can dish out.” Wrong thing to say.
I did a very mild spell. It is one that I use alot in stopping gossip. It is called, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I use alum, ash, and sulfur as incense. I always work spells for the well-being of the other person. It is worded as such that the person realizes that they are causing harm with their words and and those words should disappear. My friend had gone to lie down for a nap and a few hours later awoke……with laryngitis. Now to be honest, this was not my intent, but it was certainly entertaining. His voice is coming back stronger every day and he knew exactly what spell I was using….so lets just say, he won’t argue my “hocus pocus” anymore.
He has since apologized for being so insensitive and I have begun a healthier eating and exercise program that I am comfortable with. Skinny people do not understand that it isn’t as simple as just deciding not to eat as much. For whatever reason, food had become something else for me…..it had become a comforter, a confidant, a stress reliever. I have to learn to let other things and people take its place.
I had never really done glamour magick before last week. I don’t know what propelled me to do it. It wasn’t magick with the intention of making myself irrisistible to others, but instead it was to make me see myself through the eyes of the goddess. I started the spell with a morning of pampering. I took a long, slow bath and used the soap that a dear friend of mine makes. It has a wonderful earthy smell and made me feel connected to the mother aspect of the goddess. I soaked and washed and sang and chanted until I felt as though I was positively glowing. Unbeknownst to me, others feel the effects of glamour magick whether you want them to or not. All day long I was complimented, followed around by hot construction workers asking questions, and my boss kept telling me how wonderful I was. Yes, it is tempting to do this every day, but being fawned over can be thoroughly exhausting too.
Through all of the things that have transpired around me over the week or so, the goddess has taught me so much. Though it is nice to hear good things that others may say about me and it is horrible to hear the negative, in the end, it does not matter what the opinions of others are. The only thing that matters is that which the goddess springs up within me. I will use some wisdom that I did learn in the christian church. I am wonderfully made. I am beloved of god and goddess. I was made in their images.
I also learned a valuable lesson in forgiveness. Sometimes people say hurtful things. The ones that care most for us seem to have the worst filter. Closeness makes people think they can say whatever they please in the name of caring. Forgiveness is looking past certain things and into the heart of the person and trying to see the true motivation and heart of a person. Goddess has given me wonderful discernment and I know when I am looking into a good heart versus a black and angry heart. His words truly came from a place of wanting to see me healthier…..his words were very poorly chosen. I took a bath Monday evening in another of my friend’s soaps…..Lemongrass and Sage. It was wonderful and cleansing and as I stood there washing in that wonderful fragrance, I could feel the goddess cleansing and motivating my heart.^
Yes, I am fat. There, I said it. I am, however, a wonderful, beautiful, loving man encased in that body. Whether or not I become thin is beside the point, but I will strive to be healthier.
More than anything, I know who I am…..I am comfortable in my skin, however much of it there may be. I adore Endora from Bewitched. I love her description of a witch, and I can promise you that I am all that she describes:
“We are quicksilver, a fleeting shadow, a distant sound… our home has no boundaries beyond which we cannot pass. We live in music, in a flash of color… we live on the wind and in the sparkle of a star!”
There is nothing that I am not capable of.