When Magick Meets You Where You Are…

Between dark and sunrise, he stirs.  Energy surrounds him; colors, pictures, like a mosaic spinning.  Blue flames rising in his spirit and hands- feeling the warmth of the flame reaching out to a creature, defenseless, yet healing with warmth.

He has been immobilized by fear, yet his courage takes him a step forward–one cannot have courage without fear.  Fearlessness is not noble–it simply means “No Fear.”

A master of flame, a healer of the voiceless; a touch that leads those who face the end–no longer alone-a guardian of souls and spirits.

The passage above was included in the shipment of a wand that I commissioned from the wonderful artists Carrie Hollister and Malick White at Spirit’s Enchantments.  It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

I have been, to say the least, frazzled over the last month.  I have been pulling days worth of overtime, trying to tend to the dear furbabies that I have been given charge over, trying to be the mate that my partner deserves, and dealing with load after load of disappointment with some that are close to me.  I had become a puddle of a human.  I have been so worn out that I honestly did not know where any part of me began. 

 I mustered every ounce of what was left of my strength to pour into others.  I despise to see people and animals hurt.  I wrote in my last entry about regaining your sacred space, but I should have written more about allowing yourself to be poured into.  Goddess is so faithful and so caring and so loving and nurturing, but sometimes I think it is important for her to knock us on our butts.

When I ordered this wand, “Raven Light and Dark” as she is called, I never anticipated the need for the energy that had been poured into her specifically for me.  I never knew that anyone could take so much time to get to know me….I have always considered myself somewhat unremarkable and forgettable. The two wonderful women at Spirit’s Enchantments called upon the Goddess to enlighten them to my spirit, to my heart.  In the process, I know that so many more things happened.  I was introduced to two wonderful friends whom I have begun to fall head over heels for…..their spirits take me by storm! 

Carrie, I have found out, is a bit of a tease.  She loves to show bits and pieces of the work that Goddess is doing in the wands.  She builds anticipation in you and sparks a renewed “child-likeness.”  Through this process, she was able to pull out the spirit of that child in me that I had forgotten was calling out.  This brought forth a joy that pushed me through the whole month of ‘issues.’  Malick, is a wonderful kindred spirit for me.  She has such a love and compassion for the four-leggeds that still knocks me backwards when I think about it.  They both have such a tender heart for those that we think are helpless.  I forget sometimes, though, that those are the ones who help me most. 

I received “Raven Light and Dark” on Saturday.  Just receiving her then was a miracle in itself.  I went to the mailbox that day not knowing how long it would take to get the package.  I was disappointed to say the least when I reached into the box and saw the orange card that said “Sorry We Missed You.”  I had been home all morning.  I gathered the sales papers and bills and slumped back to the house.  I went about the rest of my day with laundry, dishes, etc.  At 5pm there was a knock on the door.  It was accompanied by the excited barks of a chihuahua and a dachshund.  I looked out and it was a small woman in a mail carriers outfit.  I opened the door and she handed me a long triangular package.  She said, “I was done for the day and on my way back to the Post Office and I felt like I absolutely had to deliver this package to you today.  I can’t explain it, but I knew I had to turn around.” 

I gathered that package in my arms and walked into the kitchen to open it.  I had an audience again…..my partner, the chihuahua, the dachshund, and one of the cats.  The other cat was asleep on my Book of Shadows.  Everyone looked wide-eyed as the dried flowers and crystals trickled out of the wrapping.  I finally had her in my hands and could feel a power surge like none before.  I could feel the energy that Carrie, Malick, Goddess and others involved in the process had poured into her.  My hands were shaking from that energy.  She called to me to be used then and there—so I used her to do a cleansing of the house and courtyards…I let each of the furbabies get to know her.  Frisbee bounced around her like a puppy…. Merlin rubbed his face against every part of her.

I went into my courtyard that night.  I held her close to my chest. I laid myself before the Goddess.  I listened to her tell me, “See how much I care for you.  I put all of this in order for you so that you could be re-engaged, recharged, and pushed upward.  It isn’t about what you are lacking; it’s about who you are……a reflection.” She led me to the pond…there I stood looking into the dark water.  I saw myself looking back….I recognized that smile.  I put my finger in the water and watched the ripples.  “Your energy created those ripples.  They extend to the reaches of this pond.  It is time to give now.  Send to those who need it.  “Raven Light and Dark” is your agent of focus and power….work with her.

I had opened the envelope enclosed in the box when I received it.  I did a brief reading.  It touched me.  I read it again in the courtyard that night and wept and wept and wept.  Goddess needed to let someone else relay the message of how she saw me and who she recognized me to be….through a dream hundreds of miles away.  Blessed Be.






Regaining Sacred Space

The past few weeks have been, to say the least, challenging.  There have been so many things going on around here.  I have been working far too much overtime on my job….sometimes pulling in as much as 35 to 40 extra hours of overtime in a week.  I have also been in the midst of dealing with some other issues that have been trying to pull on me…..personal, emotional….you know the regular stuff that life throws at us.  During this time it seems that more and more animals have been calling out for help…..including my own.  Add to this list, a really noisy new upstairs neighbor who talks on her phone louder than I scream across a field.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown.  Now when I say meltdown, I mean meltdown…..I was fed up.  My roommate walks into my bedroom without knocking while I am trying to decompress.  I was lying across the bed with one of my cats by my side and he comes in with an issue that could have waited.  So I proceed to get up, storm out of the bedroom and begin shrieking like a banshee about how I need “me” time and how I can never manage to get it.  Then my partner comes home.  Thankfully I was able to greet him calmly…I told him that the animals had all been fed and pottied and that I was going for a drive.

I drove to a nearby park.  It was rather deserted.  It reminded me of the park that Harry went to in “The Prisoner of Azkaban” with the rain on the swings and just the creaking sound of those swings.  I was fine with that.  There was no one there to ask me questions, no one there to need anything.  The squirrels and chipmunks were even keeping their distance….which is unusual.  I took the time there that I needed to calm down and then realized that this was something that was going to have to be dealt with if I was to ever have time to myself.

The first step I took was to contact my landlord, who is also a friend.  I explained the situation with the new neighbor, who is only subletting for three months while our real neighbor is out of state.  He is fairly close to her so he said that he would have a word with her.  It was so bad, that I couldn’t even sit in my courtyard without her loud voice interrupting rituals or even meditation as she dumped cigarette ashes over into my circle.  I have noticed…it is quite a bit quieter and calmer this morning. 

The second step that had to be taken care of ( and I know this can be an ugly word sometimes) was setting boundaries for those that I live with.  Explaining to those in the house that I must have my quiet time or “me” time in order to be a better friend and partner was a bit of a challenge.  It is hard to look into the eyes of someone who loves you with all his heart and try to explain to him that you need some time away from him….especially when all he wants to do is be with you and love you.  I carefully chose my words.  “I must have some time with myself, by myself to work out the kinks in my brain, soul, and spirit.  If I am able to do this, it makes me able to concentrate so much more on you when we are together…and I want to be able to give you my undivided attention when I am with you.  I want to be able to honor you with my whole mind, body and spirit.”  He understood, and I believe it started a whole new way of communicating between us.

The roomie was simple.  I have learned with the roomie it is best to just be blunt and up front.  Spew what I am feeling out and then wade through what he doesn’t understand.  That was accomplished. 

Now, with my pets, I have learned that if I sit down and explain things to them…..yes, I talk and explain and reason with my pets….that they catch on pretty quickly.  I explained that I really appreciate that they want to be next to me and on me and that I would love nothing more than to pet and rub them nonstop, but that I need time to essentially be petted on myself.  They all sat across from me on the chair most of the rest of the night.  The chihuahua was looking a little more dejected than the rest, so I brought him up into my arms for a cuddle and of course he slipped me the tongue.

It is times like these that we need the support of other friends in the Craft.  I had wonderful suggestions…..most of which encouraged me to have the powwows with those around me.  As far as the courtyard situation…..earplugs will be a start and I intend to let her know not to throw ashes down on me…..of course running skyclad in the courtyard  might just do the trick. 

A wonderful friend offered a “Bubble of Love and Light” spell.  It will help to enclose me in my “happy place.”  We all have to have that happy place where there is no fear of anyone trespassing.  Mine was encroached on this week and everything inside of me raised up and roared.

I walked a lot last night.  I walked to the pond out behind the condos.  I walked in that park.  I walked through my courtyard.  Realizations came flying at me like kamaze crows.  We can never effectively comfort others when we don’t have or take the time to comfort ourselves.  We can never hope to do workings for others if we don’t do the same for ourselves.  The indigenous people always did purification ceremonies before going before the Great Spirit.  It is ourselves that must be purified before going before the Goddess in behalf of someone. 

Before bed last night, I took a bath ( after warning anyone who interrupted that it would be in their best interest to leave me alone).  I sprinkled sage into the water.  I added lavender oil.  I burned sage as I bathed and reflected on the things inside me that needed to be purified and changed.  After I got out of the bath, I smudged myself once more with sage…..by this time it was 3:30 am.  Everyone….and I mean everyone in the house, possibly even the complex was asleep.  I built a fire in my cauldron in the courtyard and listened to the sound of my own breathing.  I created my circle, invited in the elements…..and I recharged.  I brought myself to the hands of the goddess and told her how empty I was.  She was as faithful as she has ever been……she poured and poured and poured into me.  I felt as though I was glowing.  I cried before her explaining that I had emptied myself out over the past few weeks and that I felt like a shell.  She breathed more life into me.  She affirmed to me that I needed more nights of just this.  Wait for everyone to be asleep, even if it is 4 in the morning. Come to the courtyard and just breathe. Especially in those times I feel that there is nothing left of me because that is when she can work the strongest.  Just breathe.  Inhale her fragrance.  Just breathe.

A Solitary Life…

I think it funny how one person evolves over the course of years.  I remember a time in my life I thrived on audiences, crowds of people. I look at myself now, and I think it is amazing that this person who always sought the approval of others has become a sort of hermit.  I would rather stay curled up in my den than venture out with the other bears.

I wander back in my mind to what it would have been like to be a witch back in the early days of the craft.  I would have been the man who had a one room cottage outside of town with all of the different sorts of animals around me.  The cauldron would have been on top of the flames in the fireplace and jars and jars of herbs and tonics and all manner of things would have lined the shelves. 

I do so enjoy my time alone.  I love losing myself in the elements.  The wind, the earth, water and fire are my longtime companions. I call to the wolf and it answers back.  I carry on long conversations with the raven.  The dragon is my teacher.

But then, I come back to where I actually am.  I am sitting in a courtyard by myself with a cauldron of flames licking at the air….outside of a condo with a chihuahua by my side.  I have learned in my years of practicing by myself, that if my mind carries me back to the time of the ancients….then that is where  I am for that time. 

I enjoy the freedom that comes with being a solitary.  I understand that certain groups practice certain ways….I am completely at ease with that.  I choose the way I practice.  I don’t do things willie nillie….I have always believed in order.  I have my rituals.  I call in the directions, the elements.  They may not be exactly like yours, but that doesn’t make them null and void.

I am sitting here at my desk with the window down beside me.  I hear the rain softly and gently rustling through the leaves of the plants outside.  I feel the breath of the goddess coming in through the screen.  My little tiny version of that wolf (my chihuahua) is at my feet.  He is as attuned to my spirit and my heart as anyone or anything.  Alone… I am having a moment of reverence for the goddess and the elements.

My magick is strong.  She builds power and wisdom in me every day.  With every stroke against the powerful maple tree outside my courtyard, I feel more wisdom imparted.  Each time I put my hands in the dirt and on the plants, I feel the wonderful magick of Fae alive and moving and excited.  It makes me giddy to feel all that energy moving around me and through me.

What kind of witch am I?  Do I need a label? If you pin me down, I would have to say that I am a wise man/hedge witch/kitchen witch/eclectic.  That is far too much of a mouthful to use, so I will say that I am…..a witch.

A friend of mine said it best today.  I love her dearly and her wisdom smacks me upside the head when I need it and pierces my heart when I need that too.  She said:

I am a witch. Before wife, mother, friend. I heal, tend the dead, talk to animals. I listen to the Goddess before anyone. There are some lessons we cannot help others learn. No matter how much we want to shoulder the burden, we can’t. If we were to do it, it wears us out, drains us. We sacrifice ourselves, never to hear the messages we need to hear. If we don’t maintain the vessel, then there is nothing left to fill, and the work we do will not get done. And the hand we lend to the most needed, can’t reach. Harm None also means loving ourselves enough not to let harm come our way. I am a witch. First and foremost. Bb

Yes.  I am a witch. First and foremost.  I would rather hold a conversation with my chihuahua than heads of state.  I would rather do magick with my cat than with the strongest coven in the state of Georgia.  I have learned, through my time with the goddess, when I need to speak and when I need to listen.  Listening wins out a lot.  Sometimes, I think that we, as humans, are afraid of not getting it right.  What is right?  What is right for me may not be right for you.  The Lady is a wonderful being!  She overlooks our frailties and shortcomings over and over again.  She works her magick right there beside us….whether we follow a formula or not. 

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A Glimpse Inside the Veil

Beltane is upon us and with that comes the thinning of the veil.  The lines between living and dead become a little more blurred.  We are given opportunities to communicate with those who have moved into the summerlands. 

As a child, I was told stories of “haints” and the “booger woods.”  Some of these were based on stories of my grandfather’s people. In other words, the older folks loved to scare the shit out of us kids.  Halloween was a horrifying time for me back then.  I was always told of some apparition being seen and taking some unsuspecting soul off to the underworld.  I can remember that evil twinkle in my grandpa’s eye as he watched me tremble in fear as he told the tale of being chased through the “booger woods” by a headless pig.  Yes…..I was a nervous young ‘un.

It wasn’t until much later in life that I was able to accept that the spirit was just essentially us stepping out of the body that held us captive and moving into another stage of being.  Energy is energy….it just takes different forms.  It was only after this epiphany that I was visited regularly in my dreams by those who had passed.

The dreams have never been scary.  These dreams have always had a purpose.  Most of the time this purpose was to teach me.  Now, I have to preface this with the fact that most of my friends and acquaintances think I am quite brave and unshakeable.  The contrary is true.  My worst enemy is fear.  Even though I have bungee jumped, run from bulls, moved to New York with $20 in my pocket…..I have lived a life of fear.

You see, even with all of the above accomplishments, I inherited a powerful thing from my mother…..the spirit of the worry-wort.  In the past, I have been fearful of what would happen if I lost my job….what would happen if the one I loved most died….what would happen if I went over a bridge……I have learned one thing with relation to all of this…..dwell on it enough, and it can manifest.

I fought and fought with myself to lose that worrying nature.  I have lost my job….it didn’t kill me.  I lost a partner whom I loved with my whole mind, body, and spirit….I found love again.  I did go over a bridge….I floated.  It was when I began to leave the worry behind that those beyond the veil knew that it was ok to approach me.

This is when the dreams began.  The first was a dream about a Victorian girl in an old mansion. There was a sadness and desperation about her.  I would visit the house and she would meet me at the door, staring at me with melancholy eyes.  I would get into the bowels of the house and there was a very angry energy.  It was the energy of a man who had abused her until the time that she died.  In the dreams, all I ever did was listen to her and banish the evil energy.  I would have dreams involving her several nights or even weeks in a row.  The dreams would stop when she worked up the courage to face the energy on her own.

The latest dream I had was just last week.  I dreamed I was lying in my bed beside my present partner.  Encircling the bed was my grandma at my right arm, my grandpa at my left arm, my aunt at my feet, and my partner who died at my head.  Each one of these people were stroking the part of my body at which they were standing.  My partner who died was stroking my temples.  I never felt fear during this episode….only overwhelming love.  I remember lying there crying as he stroked my temples and smiled down at me.

Personally, lately, I have been having such an excruciatingly hard time.  My mind is exhausted….my body is tired and aching….I am feeling mentally overwhelmed….and essentially just overdone.  It is when I am like this that the fearful me tries to creep in.  I feel sure that those I loved most were visiting to comfort me and tell me that I am only becoming stronger. 

I feel, and others feel that I am going through a shift in my magickal life right now.  Things have been happening to move me into a different place…..and it scared me.  I knew when I looked into my former partners eyes that it is alright to move forward.  I did it once when he died….I must constantly move forward.  It’s funny…..this week when I have my weak moments, I smell him. It pushes me through….then I come home to the arms of the man I am head over heels in love with now and it just makes me soar through the skies….higher than any broomstick could take me.

Blessed Beltane, Ý’all!