The Magick of Indifference….

I heard the harshest words I think I have ever heard come out of my partners mouth this past Monday. Those words were, “I don’t feel like you listen to me anymore.” Those words may not sound all that harsh to you, but they cut through me like a sword. The very sound of them hurt deep into my heart.

When we met, there were no smart phones, neither of us had texting packages on our phones and we had one TV with basic cable. At that time of our lives, we were forced to connect with one another. We talked, we laughed, we actually socialized with each other.

Yes, we have been together for almost eight years now and I have heard the arguments before. “All couples drift apart to some degree.” “You have just gotten comfortable with each other.” We weren’t like that for many years, though. Why now?

Laziness is part of it. Believe it or not, we have actually texted each other in the next room rather than get up and talk face to face. We would rather spend time parked in front of a TV, DVR, or Facebook than actually carry on meaningful conversation.

The kicker for me, though, was the phrase, “You spend more time with your Magick than you do me.” My first inclination was to get really defensive….to yell my reasons back at him. He, however, had not raised his voice or said it so accusingly. He said it with his back to me, very matter-of-factly with very little emotion. All I could muster that night was a broken, “I’m sorry.” I rolled over on my side of the bed and my mind began racing. Everything he said was true.

I started to think….I had honestly been pouring more Magick into other people and situations than I had my own partner and our relationship. It is so much easier to give to those who aren’t with you or around you everyday than those that are. “Oh, he will understand. After all, I spend every free moment with him.” Yes, he did understand for a while, but essentially what I was giving him was leftovers. Imagine having cold leftover pizza every night for the rest of your life.

I sat down with him the next night and seriously and wholeheartedly apologized to him for giving him the leftovers. I promised that I would make the effort to listen to him and that I would incorporate him into my Magick. He seemed excited, but you could tell he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

I went on Wednesday after work and bought some dark chocolate and strawberries. I brought him into the kitchen with me when I got home and explained to him what I was going to do. I was going to work some food Magick with him. I melted the chocolate, adding a dash of cinnamon and a dash of cayenne. I stirred the pot widdershins (counterclockwise). I was working with the waning moon. I explained to him that this was to banish anything negative that either one of us had brought into the relationship. I began to recite the words to the spell I had written. He seemed curious, so I asked if he would like to read it with me. He did. After the strawberries were dipped and chilled, I took him into the courtyard and we built a fire in the cauldron together. I brought the strawberries out to him and we had a nice cold glass of moon moscato. Again, I apologized deeply as witnessed by the goddess and we sat on the outdoor sofa and cuddled and drank under the moon. We laughed at the chocolate smeared across our lips.

I could see the goddess smiling. It is about the need directly in front of us. Sometimes we forget that those the closest to us need just a little extra magick poured into them. Sometimes it isn’t enough to just love somebody. Sometimes they need a little extra sugar and spice magick added to your relationship. Sometimes all it takes is charging a crystal so that they can carry it and feel the love that you have for them pulsing from the energy of the crystal. Rose quartz works wonderfully.

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I…..

Croning Gracefully…

Today it seems like my youth is only a distant memory.  I remember being able to stay out all night drinking and then be able to go straight into work the next day without feeling the effects of it at all.  I remember being a size 30 jeans and wearing a medium sized shirt.  I also remember hair. Pretty much, all of those things are only flits through my mind every so often. 

If you had told me back then that I would be experiencing the aches and pains that I do now….or feeling that most crises are going to resolve themselves, I would have given you a nervous laugh and gone back to experiencing the angst of who I was going to go dancing with that weekend.

I look into the mirror today…I may as well say, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall….” Well, anyway you get it.  Only my mirror looks back and says, “Oh no, darlin’, when did you get those crows feet?  And when did your hair disappear?  Ooooh you look nothing like you did twenty years ago.” 

The world has taught us to be vain.  For women, you have been given unrealistic expectations by Hollywood.  Is anyone really a size 00?  Men, it has been said, look distinguished as we get older.  I beg to differ.  We are held to just as high a standard.  We are expected to look like Sean Connery or John Forsyth or Harrison Ford or Richard Gere.  Again, my magic mirror has a really wicked sense of humor.  It is every morning, he feels the need to replace his regular reflective glass with the glass of a fun house mirror.  I am widened in certain places and ballooned in others.

As I was walking this afternoon.  I felt a soft breeze rustling through the branches of the old trees here on the property.  I always use those opportunities to converse with the Goddess and commune with the fae.  Today was pleasant and soothing.  I walked slowly….barely paying attention….until I tripped over the roots of the large maple in front of our condo.  As I sat on the sidewalk nursing the nasty scrape from the concrete, the Goddess took that opportunity to show me some things.

“You see, you aren’t much different from that old maple there.  When you were young, you were much like her as a seedling.  You needed someone else to take care of the necessities.  Feeding, nurturing were the responsibilities of those who were stronger.  As you got older, you were much like she was as a sapling.  You were green, limber….you were swayed by anything that caressed your branches.  Then you became more mature….this is when others relied on you. Mother maple offered shelter and sustenance to the birds and squirrels and many other lifeforms.  You, at that age, raised your nieces, helped other young men who were struggling with their sexuality….you were then the nurturer.  Now mother maple is old…there are cracks in her bark, knots in her trunk.  She has even got scars where storms and heavy winds have damaged her.  There are even a few bugs burrowed in here and there.  You are the same my dear.  Yes you have wrinkles and scars from past hurts….but look at how strongly you stand.  As you get older, many more things will change.  Mother maple will soon go back to the earth from decay.  You will do the same.  This isn’t something to be saddened by….but a necessary part of the life cycle.  She will be reborn through many of the seedlings that have come from her branches.  You will also be reborn.  Who will you be next time….Goddess only knows.”  As she imparts this to me, I feel a giggle in the breeze and a kiss against my leg.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, will I stumble? Will I fall?  If I do, who catches me? Show me now, please let me see.  Mirror, mirror, strength is there…pushing me to who knows where.  Drive, desires…..worlds unknown, working deep inside this crone. Neverending, the process be….As I will, so mote it be.