Here we are at Mabon. The fall of the year is upon us. Before we know it, it will be Samhain and then Yule and then wheel of the year will start over. This week has been another week of self discovery along with a week of frustrations.
I took some extra time at the pond this week. I needed the relaxation in the midst of a week that was whirling around me. I dealt with a bout of the flu earlier in the week. I am one of those people who don’t like to be slowed down when I am sick. I don’t like to miss anymore work than I absolutely have to….so with Zpac and vitamins and alot of fluids in hand. I trudged forward. I missed one day of work, but oooh was I mean the rest of the week. Now, by nature, I tend to be very fun-loving, caring, gentle….you know, all those warm fuzzy things—but when I am sick….watch out.
I realized this month that the veil seemed to be thinning earlier than usual this year. Especially with the deaths that have happened in my family. My grandma has been ‘hanging around’ much of the time. I figure that I will entertain her until Samhain and then send her spirit on.
It just seems that so many people have had to deal with so many things this year. Sickness, death, finances…..seems like it has just been going non-stop. Memories and spirits have been high on my list.
One of the things that came to light for me in the past week was, in fact, my past. Now for those that don’t know, I was sexually abused from the age of 4 to 14. My way of dealing with this was years of counselling and eventually making my mind up that it had to be put away in a box that was never opened. My thought was that past is past. Move on. I don’t believe this had anything to do with me being gay….I had those feelings from what seemed like the day I was born. Our emotions have a mind of their own, so to speak. This became something that I dealt with on a daily basis.
It is amazing to me what we are willing to believe. I let myself believe the things that the abuser told me about myself for years. When I forced him to stop the abuse at the age of 14, I was told that the only reason he “did that for me” was because he felt sorry for me. I was too fat and ugly for anyone else to care for me. I was too much of a mental and emotional mess for anyone else to be willing to invest in me. Those were words at that time that I chose to believe. It is incredulous what we see when we look at ourselves through someone elses mirror.
It took years of me trying to prove this man wrong to start seeing my true self emerge. I was told I wasn’t talented. I went to New York and acted for a year. I formed musical groups and sang as much as I could sing. I was told I was fat. I starved myself into thinness. I became a gawky twig of a man at the age of 24. I was told that no one else would be willing to invest in me….I jumped from relationship to relationship and from man to man. Even though I thought I was proving something to someone, I was still holding myself to the standards of what I saw in the mirror he held up.
It was a crisp fall day back 10 years ago or so. I went to visit the person who, I felt, had put me through so much. It was time for me to break the glass in that warped mirror. I stood in front of him and told him that he was a liar. None of what he had said to me or about me was true. It was amazing to me what release I received just by putting a voice to that child inside of me who had been suffering for all those years.
When I got home that day, it was time for me to pull out my new mirror. Mine. No one elses. Mine. I actually stood and looked at myself in that mirror for a good long time. Now, when I saw “The Help,” alot of folks made fun of the housemaid telling that little girl, “You is kind, you is smart, and you is important,” but I have found over the years that the way we speak to ourselves is so very relevant. I look at it as a spell spoken over myself. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and speak the qualities that I want reflected.
Now you don’t have to struggle with years of abuse for this to be an issue in your life. Those were just my circumstances. We are all so guilty of measuring ourselves based on someone elses opinion. I have to deal with collections at work. I was beginning to get quite a reputation for being a bitch to deal with….mostly because people seem to treat you like it’s your fault when they don’t pay a bill. I started to see it affecting my personality. I was approached by a fellow supervisor at work a couple of weeks ago about an answer to a situation that had come up. She came to me because “everybody else is afraid of you.” Now that kind of slapped me in my face a bit. A little healthy respect in the workplace is one thing. Fear is another. I like to envision myself more as a modern day Dumbledore, not Dolores Umbridge.
I realized this week that I have allowed myself to slip back in front of someone elses mirror. I had started becoming what everyone thinks of collections people. I made myself promise this week that no matter what, I refuse to respond with anger to anger. I will keep myself in a calmer place. Nothing is worth my blood pressure jumping around like a spastic child. I even went to a fellow employee this week and apologized for a fit of temper.
So, this morning, I went to the pond. The breeze was dancing with the branches of the trees. That little blue chihuahua was right by my side every step. We passed a fellow with a bigger dog and that little blue chihuahua started kicking at the ground and barking and growling. It was obvious that he saw himself through his own mirror. He sees a wolf in the reflection. I had to smile. He also sees me in the mirror that I have made. He sees the gentle soul. He sees the nurturing, loving papa. I nestled under the tree with this little blue warrior and in the distance we see black and white cat coming toward us. I brought cat food this time….I just about never got that smell of sardines out of my clothes last time. He ate pretty close to us. Friz and I had started to drift off to sleep under that big old oak tree and we were both startled awake…..by the feeling of someone making biscuits in my lap. Friz leaned back with a look of disdain. I look down and black and white cat is getting comfortable right beside Friz. Friz leaned his head in, gave black and white cat a lick and we all drifted off again. I guess now I need to give him a real name.
Maybe the reflection I see in that mirror now isn’t so much a Dumbledore, but more of a Hagrid. LOL! The one thing we do have to be able to do is let that reflection change as we change. We all sat there in a clump under that old oak tree listening to the wind blow and feeling the coolness off of the water. This is the Myself I choose to see today.