Where Do I Fit?

This past weekend I had alot of time to think about things by the pond. The coolness in the weather seemed to call me outside more than normal. The wind was begging to play and the water was laughing as it was tickled by the breeze. It seems that I am called to the pond so much more lately. My courtyard used to be more my refuge, but it always seemed so ‘put together.’ I knew that my spirit was being summoned to something wilder…something that had not been tamed by the city.

I decided to wander out there today after work. It was a really stressful day and my blood pressure decided to bounce up and down like a yo-yo. I found myself getting angry at every stupid little comment and trying to separate myself from everything and everyone. Now was my chance. I went by myself today. I could feel my Lady of the Lake singing to me. I could feel Oak calling for me to nestle myself against his trunk (when I am lying against him, it is almost as if he is absorbing the negativity within me and pushing it deep underground with his roots).

My mind was going in a thousand different directions. I thought about the past. I thought about all the things I had been allowed to do in life. I was a singer, an actor, a clown, a minister, a counsellor, an artist, a boyfriend, a farmer…..it seemed to me like it had been too short a life for all those personalities to be wound up inside me.

I have always been a mutt of sorts. I have always used the old phrase “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” It is one thing to be able to do alot of stuff, but if you don’t completely excel at those things, it can be dreadfully unfulfilling. There were only two things that ever felt completely natural to me…..being gay and being a witch. I felt like I excelled at both. In the church, I had always been taught ‘Father God’ but I always felt drawn to the Horned one and Mother Goddess.

I laughed out loud today as I remembered my days in the church. I was very much like Maria Von Trapp in The Sound of Music. It seemed that the other pastors I worked with were always singing, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like David.” I always had an unconventional approach to things. I loved to take the classes I taught out into nature to experience what I truly knew was Divine. I spent my lunches wandering through woods and creek beds. I never quite fit into the mold they had created for me.

And this is why I went to the pond today. I am feeling like I am not so much fitting anymore. I am caught inside the hamster wheel. Before the ooohs and aahhs start, my relationship is fine, my walk along the Path is fine, I am basically fine. There is just a puzzle piece loose somewhere.

I think the clearest when I am in nature. I can breathe again. I needed my time with the Horned One and Mother Goddess. I needed it to be me. Just me. I took my shoes off straight away and dug my toes into the dirt. I pushed my hands down into the grass just to feel that connection with the earth around me. I could hear the crows in the distance. My have I heard the crows lately…..and seen the crows…they have been everywhere. I have also been having more dreams about travel this week. I travel in my dreams by broom or by foot or just by puff of smoke.

This has also been a week when animals have been drawn to me more than ever. Dogs that I don’t know at the clinic are running up to me in a crowd of people. The clinic cats have been leaving gifts (goddess help me) on my desk. Today I was standing in the hall at work and I see this flash of white running toward me……it was a ferret who had escaped and ran at me and climbed me. Now you have to know that I am afraid of ferrets, rats, anything along that line. I am hyperventilating and he is having the best time. Everyone around me is laughing because they know of my fear.

Of course as I come to this revelation, it should not surprise me that at that moment there is a black and white cat winding itself around me. I don’t think I have ever heard him purring as loudly. I feel my brain starting to relax. Too many thoughts have been circling it. I smell the turn of the wheel as I sit there. I am delighted by having friends circled around me. I take my cue from them. I make myself laugh with the water. I make myself dance in the wind. I make myself calm and steady along with the Oak, and I breathed contentment like black and white cat.

I am far from depressed. Something has just been off. I find the best way to deal with that ‘off’ feeling is to put myself in the place that I fit best…..right in the midst of the Lord and Lady. While I am watching the world start to go dormant as the wheel turns, I am reminded that there are those times in us when we feel like a blank page. It is in those times that I must allow the Lord and Lady to write on those pages. I must also allow my elemental friends to do the same….it is important to pull on the personalities of Earth, Air, Water, and Fire.

I gather myself and bid black and white cat ‘Good Evening’ and give my offerings to the elements and head back to the condo. I go about my regular nightly duties. I empty the garbage and head to the dumpster with the bag. I open the door into the courtyard and look up….there is a hawk sitting on the brick of the courtyard fence. I fumbled for my camera and end up with a blurred picture of bricks. Immediately I think about the significance of the hawk. Hawk brings awareness and perspective ( Am I going through life blindly right now…going through the motions). He also brings insight and vision (Am I bottling my creativity? Is my self confidence waning a bit). He brings initiative and decisiveness (Am I procrastinating about something).

I can definitely see that the weeks ahead will bring many new thoughts and ponderings…..many days by the pond….culminating in a trip to the mountains of Asheville the first weekend of November. I see an adventure in the making.

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