Wednesday night was a wonderful night. It was rainy and overcast and the moon was shining through at intervals. So many inconveniences had happened in the five days preceding. My partner had put his phone and Kindle on top of his car and drove off with them up there. The neighborhood that they flew off in offered no hope of ever getting them back. His insurance check that he was going to use for the down payment on his car was four days past the refinance date. My bosses had been nit-picking all week. Hinting that I ‘seemed down’ over the past couple of weeks….and that I needed to find a way to be more upbeat.
I needed this ‘moon time.’ I gathered my cauldron, some herbs, matches, candles, my cloak, my wand and some paper voodoo dolls of things that needed to be banished from my life. Worry….Fear….Anger…things that I felt were holding me back. I lit my candles. I lit a fire in my cauldron. I called on the directions. I called on the elements. I called on the Morrigan. I could feel something pushing up inside me. I felt the assurance that I had been longing for all week. I love my partner dearly, but I am constantly having to be the strong one….I am the one who is not supposed to show weakness…I sometimes remember that part of my last partner. He was an ex-Marine. When I felt too weak, I was allowed to crumble into him. It was only in the months leading to his death that I had to call on all the strength that was within me. I haven’t let that strength rest since. It isn’t that I have felt like crying. It isn’t that I have hurt. It isn’t even that I have felt vulnerable. I have just felt tired….weak…..even maybe a little unsure. It was only in these couple of weeks that I have begged for dreams of him…..dreams where I could feel that strong backbone and those enveloping arms….dreams where I was the one being told that it would all be ok….but they never came. It was as if the Lord and Lady were telling me that it was time to rely on other things. It was in this realization that I started to crave time with the moon.
I did everything I could earlier in the week to spend long amounts of time under her, with her. Every day I could hear Mama Crow fussing at me from her phone pole…..reminding me with that course caw that I needed more time with Mama Moon. I would try to settle under her as daylight was conquered by nightfall, but something always interfered….either we got torrential rainstorms or I was side-tracked by the needs of my pets…or somebody in the household needed me to be strong for them…again. Wednesday as I started preparation for ‘moon-time,’ I quietly beseeched the Lord and Lady under my breath, “Please, do not let me be interrupted tonight. I truly truly need this time.”
As I settled in front of the fire in the cauldron, the heat from the flame felt like the broad chest of the strongest person I could imagine. I imagined in my mind that it was that chest from long ago…but then a realization hit me. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t a familiar feeling…not a bad feeling…actually a strong and incredible feeling. I realized that I had fallen upon the chest of Lord Cernunnos. I could feel a quicker heartbeat than anything human. And so I rested. As I rested, I felt the hands of the Triple Goddess upon my head….caressing, encouraging. I sat stock-still absorbing the magick of this moment…..whether it was all in the intention stirred inside me or a manifestation of that need. I knew that it was just that….sheer magick.
In my own courtyard, I felt the silent strength of the wolf spirit wander up beside me. I felt that noisy, ambling spirit of crow make its way to brick beside me. I could feel the fire burning through them. I took each paper doll…one at a time and set them on fire by the candle flame and dropped them into the cauldron….visualizing each barrier disappearing into the ash as it fell….feeling each chain falling to the ground. I could smell the sage and mugwort intermingling with the smell of burnt paper. As each doll burned, I watched the issues that were scrawled on each one evaporate into the flame and then into the smoke that rose toward Mama Moon. I could feel the flames leaping and reaching…encompassing all around me. The spirit of wolf was smoldering as was the spirit of crow….everything around me was smoldering….like the end of a fire, but also like the beginning. I feel strength burning inside of me again. I don’t feel like I did when I walked outside…like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, with a pole shoved up my back for support. The strength I felt now was a burning strength….not a strength that could be pulled from a partner or a friend or even a group of witches. This was a strength that came from all elements….Fire, Earth, Air and Water….each direction…South, North, East and West…..a strength that could only come from the Lord and Lady. It reminded me of a verse I learned in Bible school…..”I lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence my help comes….” My help comes from everything that encompasses those hills…..all of the elements, the spirits, the Gods and Goddesses.Spiderwort is one of my most favorite plants. Two years ago when I was working for a horrible boss in a bad situation, I would walk up the driveway into work every morning and I was greeted by these beautiful purple smiling faces that seemed to be perched on top of weeds. These little purple blooms signified hope to me….the fact that something so beautiful and unusual could bloom out of a patch of what looked like weeds. I walked outside this morning and I found a small purple face smiling up at me…..a familiar friend had resurfaced to show that there is so much hope….so much wonderful to look forward to. I am reminded of a quote from “Steel Magnolias,” “I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”