It seems that this week has been the week of secrets. At work, I have been told things that I am not to share with another living soul. Co-workers have corralled me and told me things that I am supposed to guard with my life. Our roommate has told me things this week that I am to take with me to my grave. Even my partner has started sentences this week with the phrase, “now don’t tell anyone.” I completely hate this. Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I cannot lie to save myself. Whenever I try to divert attention from a subject or even try a half-truth…..my face, my body language….everything about me gives me away. I turn blood red. I stammer and stutter. I fidget. So why have I suddenly become the keeper of secrets?!?
This week has also been a week of constant change. Little things inside of me. I shared a while back that I had a small tumor that showed up just to the left of my right pectoral muscle. I had it biopsied and it turned up to be a fatty lipoma. Well, not long afterward, a friend shared a bit of information that she had accessed months ago. She had heard that Agaricus Blazei (mushroom) was good for getting rid of tumors. I ordered some right then….didn’t question it. Well, the good news is that the fatty tumor has been shrinking more and more each week that I take this mushroom capsule. It is now barely noticeable.
This same friend introduced me to Hawthorn capsules to help get hypertension under control. Since starting this regimen, I am also pleased to announce that my blood pressure has been remarkably lower. I am almost to the point of being excited to see my doctor at my next checkup (well that and he is also amazingly hot).
My spirit has been in the midst of change too. I can only compare it to what a werewolf must feel during the transformation process. It hasn’t all felt warm and fuzzy….in fact, some of it has been quite painful. I have felt most of these changes down to my very core. These new feelings have made my mind, my stomach and my chest hurt.
It is almost as if I have become aware of myself. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t matter where I am….it is like watching a recorded program of my every move. I have had to listen over and over to every word I say. When I go to bed at night, my dreams replay the activities of the day, letting me hear and see myself over and over. I realized that I spent a majority of my day trying to be invisible….trying to keep from being acknowledged or recognized. I also realized that I spent a huge amount of my day being a peacekeeper or liason.
I had to stop and think, “Am I only an ear? Am I someone who lies low just so the circling vultures won’t see him among the dead? Am I slipping into indifference?” I listened to myself as my roommate asked me, “Is working out really worth it?” My answer: “What do you think?” Where is my head? I should have been screaming out, “Of course, it’s worth it! Can’t you see all the positive changes happening with your body? You feel better…your love handles are going away….you seem happier!”
I have often said it to others…..”Boy, get some gumption about yourself!” “No wonder you have become the keeper of secrets…..you’ve been keeping to yourself all week.” It is one thing to need time to yourself….it is something completely different to be absent when you are in a room full of people. It has been far too easy this week to keep my “witch” hidden….to leave him tied up somewhere in a corner.
Friz and I took to the woods this morning. Mama Crow has been noticeably quiet this week. I have made myself stop and listen….talking to the telephone pole in the distance, but no replies were heard. As we moved toward the woods, darkness still looming behind us, I heard a familiar sound. That raucous loud raspy voice was like music to my ears. I turned around and looked high. I could see her perched in the tree to my right. She was cawing non-stop….it sounded too much like a scolding for me not to stop. When she had finished her lecture we continued on to the woods.
I settled down under the biggest tree I could find. I unpacked my mini-altar…laid out the skulls and candles carefully. I did everything that has become second nature to me….trying to not be so mechanical. I settled down in front of the skulls and stared at them. I realized that I had become a victim of my own routine this week. I had been trying so hard at work not to make ripples, that I had just become complacent. I had been trying so hard at home to unplug that my flame was growing dim in the process. I was trying so hard to catch up on cleaning and cooking and crafting that I had forgotten to incorporate the magick that can be and is such a part of each activity. Walks with Friz had even become just that…..short trips out to pee and then back inside to ‘catch up.’
As I lay there on the leaf covered floor of the woods, I had again forgotten all about Friz. I had left him in his harness and the leash was attached to a low branch. Friz did the one thing he knows to do when he is alone or ignored. I heard one solitary sound……”Bowwooooooooooo.” It is such a pitiful soulful sound that when it comes out, you stop dead in your tracks. When you look at him, you get a look that says, “I really didn’t mean for that sound to come out.” It is a moving back into the primal part of who he is. I unhooked his harness from the leash and moved him closer into me. He was feeling frisky now. He danced around me doing his little play growl. When he finally stopped, he sneezed, blowing out one of the candles. I laughed and realized it was time to have a little fun with the ritual.
I crouched on my hands and knees and Friz did his play-bow in front of me. I responded in kind. We moved and play-growled and wiggled our bodies. It was nice to feel primal….even if it was the primal that a little blue chihuahua feels. We both collapsed onto the leaves…me, breathing hard and Friz panting. We could both feel the sunrise between the trees covering us. I rolled onto my back and Friz crawled onto my stomach (he likes the bounce he feels when he’s on it). I could hear Mama Crow just outside of the woods….but I could also feel her getting closer.
The secrets for the week, I whispered to Mama Crow. She can take them as far away as she pleases….no more hiding in the shadows for me. When I do find myself sitting isolated, you may just hear one lone, solitary “Bowwooooooooo.”