Many of you don’t know that for the past twelve weeks, I have been a part of an internship program at work….no, not the animal clinic. I quit there back in January. The internship program I have been in has encompassed things I never thought I could or would be able to do. Since the end of January, I have studied software systems, taken tests, jumped through hoops, and been way more outgoing than I normally am. I have had to apply a discipline to my work and home life that I have not accessed since college. I have had to balance a strenuous work schedule laced with courses and classes and tests. The team started with many people who thought they might be able to ‘fake’ themselves through the program…many young men and women who thought they could get through on youth alone. There are now two of us…only two interviewing now for permanent positions.
I sat down with my work mentor this week in preparation for the interviews and asked her to tell me what my strongest quality is. She looked me in the eyes and point blank said, “You are fearless. Not a careless, flippant fearless, but the type of fearless that researches and studies and then dives in…,most importantly, you dive in.”
Honestly, I have always been sort of a risk-taker. The day after high school graduation found me on a bus bound for New York City to pursue an acting and singing career on the Broadway stage. I was on a plane to Ecuador the day after 9/11. I moved to Tennessee alone to pursue the ministry. I bungee jumped off of a tower at Myrtle Beach. There isn’t much I am not willing to try. I even want to go skydiving on my 50th birthday.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life stupidly. When I do something, it is planned out, researched and studied. I knew before I bungee jumped that, when I told the guys my weight, I needed to be as brutally honest as I could be. The weight determines the strength of the bungees.
In my opinion, fearless doesn’t mean the absence of fear…it means you are willing to rise to the challenge. It may mean that you need to lean a little more on the strength of others to help carry you through the difficult parts of the journey. Fearless doesn’t mean that common sense and planning go out the window. It just means you fear less.
Through this time, I have had to pull on resources I had forgotten I had. I had to reach down inside of myself and rely on strengths that I had long since buried. I had to dig down and remember that I am truly a smart person. I had to remember that I am tenacious. I had to remember that I do not give up. I had to pull on the strength of teacher wolf to take in all the information that was being fed to me by the buckets…and you know what? I did it.
This morning was a half damp kind of morning here in the condo complex. I dragged myself out of bed at 7am. I put the dog’s food in their bowls. I fed the cats. I got Friz harnessed up and ready to go. I put my backpack on like I have hundreds of other mornings and I stumbled out the door…still half asleep.
I stumbled toward the woods with a little blue chihuahua staring at me like I was drunk and might fall on him. We got to the edge and there stands my dear friend, the Green Wizard. He is sitting in the grass, Calliope lying next to him and in his arms, he has an orange and white stray cat that I have seen wondering the property. Everyone has tried to pet him, but no one has been successful until this morning.
The Green Wizard looks up at me and smiles a full and welcoming smile. He softly said, “You are going to get tired of me.” I told him that I didn’t think that was going to happen. In his next breath, he reminded me that everything happens only for a season and we never know how long that season may last. I know that he is preparing me for his next departure which, I have a feeling, will last for longer than I am comfortable thinking about.
As I emptied my backpack of the skulls and candles and herbs and crystals, he held certain ones and admired them. He seemed to have a particular connection with the green tiger’s eye sphere that I have, so I told him to take it. He seemed deeply touched. As I lit the candles, he looked me in the eyes and told me, “Weathered Wiseman, you are coming into your season of prosperity. Your magick, your spirit, your health, your work….everything that you touch will prosper. As it comes to you, you must be willing to take it by the hand. No fear….you must be willing to embrace all the blessings that will pursue you. Your magick is going to explode around you…..it will touch areas of your life you never thought it could.”
I am so ready. We think about magick touching every area of our lives….but there are so many areas that we hold onto. Areas that we want to keep ‘protected.’
This week, I have been busy making wands and athames…washing and bleaching bones, combing through fur. I want to find a way of making the magick that I hold inside of myself available to others. The magick that I pour into the tools that I make….the time spent consecrating the tools under the appropriate moonlight…the blood and sweat that are poured into (and onto) those tools are parts of the process that I don’t take lightly and I don’t compromise on. The tools range from rustic to crude, but they are put together with purpose and intent. I started this process with an athame I made for myself…made from a humanely harvested wolf femur and fur and a recycled dagger blade. It holds more magick than I can describe to you in this post.
I have those close to me who constantly pour their energy and magick into me. I pour my energy and magick into them. I expend a part of myself…daily, weekly, monthly. When I give, I don’t do half-assed magick…just as they don’t do anything halfway.
There is a season coming. I have been sitting on that egg…warming it…nurturing it for some time now. This time, I have no qualms about saying, “It’s my turn!”