Darkness. That’s the first thing I remember. It was dark, it was cold, and I was scared. But then… then I saw the Moon. It was so big, and it was so bright. It seemed to, chase the darkness away. And when it did… I wasn’t scared anymore.
Why is it that all secrets seem to be cloaked in darkness. We feel that secrets protect us when all they do is hurt us in the long run. This has been a week of ‘Can you keep a secret’s.’ The truth is, no, I can’t. My face gives me away every time. If I even try to tell the smallest white lie, I go all red in the face…I giggle like a twelve year old trying to tell a dirty joke, and I try to escape.
I remember when I was a small child, my father had planned a surprise for my mom’s birthday. Everyone around her was sworn to secrecy. My mom comes into the room one afternoon as we were making plans and asked what we were doing. Yes….you guessed it…I sang like a canary.
When I joined the ministry, I was scared to death. I had heard all of these pastors around talk about ‘pastor/parishioner confidentiality.’ It horrified me. I did find, however, that it was totally different than telling a lie or keeping a secret. It was just a matter of not acknowledging the information at all. Even now, at work, if someone comes up and says, “So you’re gay? So you’re a witch?” I just smile and answer with yes…it just saves me the stress of trying to hide it.
I determined very early in my life that I would never give anyone the stress of holding onto my secrets. I never wanted anyone else to feel that feeling that I would get in the pit of my stomach when someone asked me for information that I had promised to guard. It was in those early years that I began telling my secrets to the moon. I could whisper them or yell them, she never ridiculed me and she never told those secrets to anyone.
Lately, I have come to trust others with my secrets. Now I share those secrets with Wolf and Crow. Wolf guards them ferociously and Crow takes them high into the sky on her wings and drops them among the clouds. I am never threatened with them coming back at me at the wrong time.
I remember the hardest secret I ever had to keep. It came about when I began my first long-term relationship. I had been dating a wonderful man for about four months and like was turning into love. He was tall, dark, and handsome…an ex-marine. When he held me in his strong arms, the world stood still. He invited me to his apartment for dinner one evening and after we ate, he sat me down on his sofa and said softly, “I need to talk to you about something.” My heart broke many times in that moment. I imagined everything from him breaking up with me to him telling me he was moving out of state or re-enlisting.
He grabbed my hand and told me, “Now you can’t tell anyone. I am trusting you with my life. I am HIV positive.” You have to remember that this was in the days before much was known about the disease and everyone was afraid. I was just as afraid, but my love for him was stronger than any disease or any fear.
I stayed at his place that night. After he went to sleep, I opened the french doors to his balcony and walked out into the moonlight. I called to the moon and I sighed deeply as she appeared before me. I whispered my troubles and secrets into her ear. The moon always actively listened and sent her energy to strengthen and to hold me up. She was full that night.
I think it is funny…the things that follow us through our lives. As much as I leaned on the moon for strength in those years…she has always been there. Nowadays, she has learned to text…”You OK?” I text back that I am ok. Somehow, she always knows when I am not being completely honest.
I have heard some of our friends simply call her ‘the Moon Lady.’ To me, she will always be ‘Maluna’ and to me that will always mean ‘my moon.’ It seems that she has always been there…I have known her in my heart and spirit for as long as I have known the moon herself. When we talk, it isn’t about secrets…it is about where our energies and magick can better be spent.
Thursday night, I got home late…honestly just in time for the full moon. I gathered everything with me, except Friz. He fought valiantly to stay up until I got home, but sleep won that battle. I walked to the woods in silence…almost a feeling of reverence under the moonlight. I could hear her calling. We needed to talk. As I settled into the warmth of the night with my cauldron and candles burning, I could feel her energy soaking into me. She has always been faithful to me…even when I felt like I was alone.
I have honestly never been alone. The moon is who called Wolf and Crow to me. It was under that moon that Friz was dedicated. It was under that same moon that I made promises to my first partner and also that moon where I made promises to my current partner. She is an old friend…she is there through every season of the year and through every season of my life. She is the one who first called me the Weathered Wiseman, and she will be the last one to call me that name. It is by her that I rest and by her sleep that I awaken. It is the moon who promised that magick would always encompass and encircle me.