This time of year has always seemed to be a time of introspection for me. The temperatures are cooling. The veil is thinning. It is in this season that we can hear the whispers of those who have gone before. It is in this season that emotions run raw for most people. The cats and dogs are more sensitive than normal and so am I.
I told my roommate early last week, that I have been dreaming more about my partner who died lately. He looks at me sternly and says, “Somebody has unfinished business…him or you. The next time he comes to you, engage him. Ask him what he needs.” I told him that I would think about it. He called me a chicken. In certain areas of my life, I have lived on the premise of ‘leave well enough alone.’ He is gone. I put him behind me years ago. I don’t really have anything left of ‘us.’ I packed it up a few years before me and my current partner met. The only things there are memories…or so I thought.
This week, I have dreamed about him every night. In each dream, he stands…just looking at me with that same love in his eyes that I remember. In each dream he looks a little sad. Each dream ends the same way…he strokes the side of my head and kisses my forehead and leaves the same way he came. By Friday night, I couldn’t bear any more. I felt like I have been barely sleeping. I have felt more like I have spent my sleeping hours walking between the worlds. My body feels haggard and worn out.
I have one friend who can feel my very soul. There is no hiding from her. She knows me as well as I know myself. I know that when she texts me and asks how I am….I can almost see her roll her eyes when my answer is a short and sweet, “I’m ok.” And yet she sends energy. She knows me well enough to know that I need it…even when I think I am fine.
Last night, I went to bed. I could feel the restlessness already. I drifted off and dreamed of a forest trail. I walked slowly. I looked around for something familiar. Friz wasn’t there. I looked toward the end of the path and there he stood….looking exactly as he did at his healthiest. He smiled and reached out his hand for me to take it. I could feel the warmth of his strong hand around mine. I looked into his eyes…the eyes that I fell in love with more years ago than I could count. I choked on words as I tried to talk. He walked beside me in silence. I looked into his eyes and asked him, “What do you need from me?” He spoke one word, “Forgiveness.” I remember the pain that shot through my heart in the dream. I didn’t think I was holding onto anything anymore. He whispered again, “Dig deeper.”
In the dream, I began to cry…deep heaving sobs. Things flooded to my mind. Memories of feeling deserted to finish raising my nieces by myself…memories of the financial struggles and having to deal with his family. Memories of dealing with the hurt by myself with no one else to lean on. I leaned into him as years of hurt poured out of me.
I awoke at 3:03 am with tears streaming down my face. I managed a whisper, “I do forgive you.” My partner stirred beside me and asked, “Are you ok, honey?” I kissed him on his forehead and whispered to him, “I am now.” I got out of bed and went into the living room. I opened a blog that a friend of mine wrote earlier in the week. It’s funny how things come full circle. What was the blog about? Forgiveness. I have included the link below so that you can read it for yourself.
So this morning early, I woke up a snoozing little blue chihuahua so that we could go to the woods. He was so sleepy. I am convinced that when I am restless, that he is just as restless. I had to carry him the whole way. He would look at me with one eye closed and yawn wide. When we got to our clearing, I made myself comfortable among the fallen leaves. Friz leaned in closely and finally crawled in between my legs and dozed off. As I lit candles and placed the skulls, he barely moved. I welcomed the directions, the elements, the Lord and Lady, and my spirit guides. I had read a dear friend’s post on Facebook yesterday. It was a stern warning for the seasons ahead:
We seem to have slammed….yes…head on slammed into the waning time…emotions are running amuk….be it retrograde…the dark season…a combo of things…but it’s not good for many. I’m going to be stern, and blunt…get a grip…a hard solid grip on yourself…and your emotions. NOW. Life is to be lived…it’s not always good..or fun..or fair….but it is a gift. And should be cherished. I’ve been called fluffy, a sunshine light worker, Pollyanna…a number of things…but I work so hard to balance the negative of everyday life….I know the aftermath of death….I see it. You can fall into the abyss of darkness so easily. When the walls between the worlds are thin….when darkness creeps in…when the earth prepares to sleep…many of us slither into depression, despair…get lost in the mists and choose to stay there. The Morrigan I follow fights for life….rises up to the challenges of everyday stress….she battles hopelessness and darkness with a sword so bright it will blind you….and you can follow her into the light…you rise up and face that great void…you cross…and you raise your sword and shield in victory! DO NOT give up…no matter how much darkness is around you…the sun rises, there is light everyday….see your way out and greet it! BB
This morning needed to be a celebration….a celebration of my life and who I have become. It needed to be a morning of joy. I began to sing from deep in my spirit. I could see Mama Crow and Wolf moving rhythmically to the sounds coming from me. Almost as if on cue, that little blue chihuahua flopped onto his back in my lap with his belly in the air. He squirmed at me which is his signal for me to rub him. I laughed out loud. I find that laughter can be powerful magick.
In this season of the waning time, as we walk some days with darkness only two steps behind. As those who have gone on pass through once again, it is important for us to dig deep into our spirits and remember and hold to that joy that may be buried to sustain us. This is the time for laughter to overtake us…the time to dance. It is in this season that the earth’s heartbeat may grow a bit faint…but mine is strong and mine powerful….and when I think about the witches and fur people who have been placed around me….my heart leaps. My voice carries through the night sky as I lean my head back and dance. I am a witch…I am a witch. There is magick yet to be done.