This week was a whir of activity…as most weeks closer to the holidays tend to be. Not only are we heading into our busy season at work, but the weekends are filled with being dragged from store to store by my partner, who has to buy Christmas gifts for his family…not only buy, but touch everything in the stores. I spent alot of time today sitting on benches in the middle of malls with many, many cups of Starbucks in my hands.
This morning started by getting up early to take a very whiny mini dachshund to the vet for a 3 year rabies vaccine. While we were sitting in the lobby, I heard the woman next to me complaining because now she couldn’t afford to get her new weave because the county was making her get her dog a rabies. I felt sorry for that dog. I looked at it and it looked as if it had resigned itself to its station in life long ago. Afterward, we went to breakfast at a local diner where I got to listen to the couple beside us gripe about what a bother the holidays were. After that….the mall.
Most days it can be all too easy for me to live a hermit-like life…hiding myself from human-kind and socializing only with the four leggeds and the winged ones. I was in a state of over stimulation listening to the children screaming to their mothers and fathers about what they wanted for Christmas. Parents screamed back at the kids…it was an environment that oozed with the holiday spirit.
When we got home, one would think that time for relaxation would be at hand. One would be wrong. Of course, everything that had been left undone when we left this morning had to be done. Dishes needed washing, laundry, baths for the dogs. When this was all accomplished, I plopped down on the sofa…wrung out and useless like an old dishcloth.
As I prepared for a long lazy night of staring at the Christmas tree and drinking wine with Friz at my side, I felt her calling. It was almost as if I was being wooed…my ears were being caressed with her song. I had not spent time with the moon. I leave my pajama pants on and grab a few things along with my backpack and cloak. As I head out the door, I feel something against my leg. How could I forget my little guard dog…my minuscule wolf. I scoop him up and away we go.
Tonight we went deeper into the woods than we have ever been. I felt the need to disappear from the world…if only for a small amount of time. As the woods became less and less familiar, so did the noises surrounding me. There were more scurrying noises…more wings beating against the air…more shifting in the trees…and howling in the distance. I took my cues from Friz…ever at the alert, but never pushed to fear. We sat down in a moist, leafy area. I brought out the things I had brought with me…the crows skull, a new seed pod to use as a tealight holder, my crow claw ring, my Morrigan dreamcatcher that a friend made for me…and blackberry moonshine. I needed to charge pieces of a wand I am creating and thought that blackberry moonshine and sweet bread would be a fitting offering.
My mind was racing (once again)…but this time to something that my dear friend Maluna and I were talking about. This season, for her, is a thriving time…she glows in this turn of the wheel. For me, it has always been a waning time…a time to conserve my energy…like the big bear who hibernates in the winter…I feel sleep and regrouping trying to overtake me. I have been reminded by Maluna this week that we are what we allow ourselves to become. While peace and calm are good….this is a time of rebirth. We get the opportunity to become new and improved.
I watched in the mall today as a teenager tried walking up an escalator the wrong way. I watched him huff and puff as he struggled to get to the top…only to be brought right back to where he started. He finally became frustrated and gave up. As I sat in an unfamiliar part of the woods tonight, I pondered, “Am I doing the same thing? Am I wasting energy on things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things?”
I am wasting energy on things that don’t matter. I have been guilty of letting the opinions of those who don’t really know me, bother me. I have put far too much energy into neighbors who are far too stupid to realize how inconsiderate they are. I am like a dog chasing its own tail. Once I catch it and bite it, I have only hurt myself in the long run.
I realized sitting under that glorious full moon tonight that far too often I have been wearing the Lord and Lady like the cloak on my back….putting them on and taking them off as it suited me. I was almost haunted by the words that Maluna force fed to me earlier in the week after I had vented about a situation I didn’t like:
You have a wand. That is more powerful. I knew that tonight. I felt that tonight, as before in those situations. You have to let the magick…the Morrigan lead. You have to become her. You can. You blend to the point there is no line. You become what you believe. You have to take that next step.
As these words rang through my mind over and over again tonight, something happened. The time for preparation is over, as is the time for regrouping. It is now time to act. The wait is over. I stood under that chilly glowing orb above me. I opened my arms and I spoke loud enough to scare anything questionable in those woods away. “I AM READY! BECOME ONE WITH ME, WARRIOR GODDESS! I POUR OUT MYSELF THAT YOU MAY POUR IN!”
A prayer was shared with me today…use it. Use it as a spell, a mantra, a chant…Just use it! Isn’t it time that we all embrace who we truly are, what we are truly called to, and learn to become what we believe?
I was asked a question tonight, “How may I regain the spirit I had in me that made me feel I could accomplish anything?” That spirit never left. We let everything else in our lives cover it, bury it…but it is still there. How long has it been since you gave in to it with complete abandon? There is still time. Embrace who you truly are…become one with those you call on. Dance….sing….fight….and as my dear friend Maluna would say, “If you live in fear, fear is all that will ever manifest.”