The one promise I made myself when I started this blog was to always share the truth surrounding my life. I always wanted this blog to be a source of help and hope to others. I made the decision that sometimes no matter how badly it hurt, the truth should be shared. So let’s go ahead and take the corner of that bandaid and start ripping.
It has seemed that every time I turn around lately, that something happens. If something good happens in my life, I have pretty much come to expect something bad to come as a counter. I get a promotion….I go to the emergency room. I get a raise…someone hits my car. Nothing like the power of positive thinking, huh?
I remember when we were home at Christmas…my dad, normally a pretty jovial person, seemed sullen, moody, angry. I tossed it off to the curmudgeon-ess that comes with old age. Then last night, I was admonished by a dear friend after I had pissed and moaned a neighbor hitting my car and breaking off the driver’s side mirror.
Listen to yourself. You hate. You hated the neighbors upstairs…you hate this guy. You are so filled with negative energy, you are filling yourself with sickness!!!!! You have insurance? It can be fixed. You go against everything you practice by hating. STOP IT NOW…LET IT OUT OF YOUR BODY…your mind is just consumed with drama and SHIT…nothing good is going to come to you if you keep it up. I love you..and because I love you, I’m saying this…GET A FUCKING GRIP…I can’t send you anything because I see it just go all black around you. I love you. I do. You are my heart and soul…but Morrigan will say the same thing if you listen to her…it’s coming from her. I know you are tired…and no one can help you unless you help yourself first…that allows the flow to come in…CLEANSE YOURSELF…curdling is nasty…life sucks…but you just keep focusing on the positive and let the other fall away.
I turned off Facebook and pulled Google up on my Ipad. I looked up the word ‘hate.’ Hatred is therefore a hardening of the mind and spirit. Hatred attaches you to the thing or person you hate. This person or thing that you hate becomes a constant part of your thoughts and emotions.
I decided that it truly was time to dig down into the center of this festering purulent wound and start the healing. I started with a cleansing bath (I am a shower person personally, so to even lower my substantial rump into a tub was a beginning). I poured Dead Sea salt in first…to draw out impurities. I then added sage leaves for cleansing, lavender oil for calming, eucalyptus oil for energizing, juniper berries for more cleansing and some spearmint bubble bath for suds. I sank down into the bubbles and inhaled the different scents.
My mind raced back and forth over Maluna’s words. Yes, my heart had become darkened by hatred. Where did it come from? I questioned whether or not it came from my parents….no, no sense in giving anyone else the blame. I am the one who took it in like a homeless kitten. I am the one who nurtured it and fed it and allowed it to grow.
I had called on the Morrigan so many times in my anger. As I felt the suds against my legs, she reminded me that she was not a goddess of hatred and anger…not a goddess of getting even…but that she was a goddess of justice. My brain raced over and over that definition of hatred that I found, “Hatred is therefore a hardening of the mind and spirit. Hatred attaches you to the thing or person you hate.” My mind and my spirit had been blocked…I had been looking a foot in front of me the whole time…never seeing the whole picture. All this time I had talked about how powerful and strong magick is, but I had been tucking pieces of it into small boxes all around me….only keeping that which I was comfortable with close to me.
As I write this, I read the words of another dear friend, Celtic Oaksoul, “Just be…take in the darkness and make it your own. Relax and let the storm take its form outside, around you. It will always subside.” I just realized that I had forgotten the most important thing about life….All things are temporal! Nothing lasts…things only happen for a season. I have been treating it like it is the be all and end all.
I lay in the tub feeling the water become cold and my fingers and toes becoming pruny. There is more to do than cleanse…I have to turn and walk away from the hate. I have to make a conscious decision every day, every moment of my life to let go and move past the temporal. My hate doesn’t do anything to the people I hate…they could care less. I am the one that pays the price….it is my blood pressure, my health…my heart and my spirit that will end up shriveling into a poisoned wad of anger, bitterness and hate.
Duct tape fixed my car mirror for the time being today. It won’t, however, fix the holes I have put in my spirit. Those are going to take time with the gods and goddesses…the innocent fur and feather people…the elements.
The ones we love aren’t there to always tell us how wonderful we are…sometimes they are there to dig out the painful and hurtful parts of us that we have become blinded to…and we are never too old for admonishment.
As I spent time in the woods this morning, I did a spell to help me to always look toward the good things with gratitude and not dwell on the bad things that happen. I know this is a spell I will have to do more than once. As Maluna said, “It isn’t about looking at the world with rose-colored glasses, but knowing what’s important…about focusing on the positive and letting the other fall away.