This week was a fun one. When one gets to be a certain age, one’s doctor decides that one should be poked and prodded and every manner of indecency should be done to you. I had a stress test this week. Nothing was wrong…just routine followup from some issues I had dealt with over the winter. As I panted my way through the test, the nurse kept asking, “Are you alright, hon?” “I am fat and I am briskly walking on a treadmill. I am dying. Can’t you see that?” I puffed and I wheezed…I begged for mercy. “Just a few minutes more.”
My heart wanted to break free from the confines of my chest and flop like a dying goldfish on the floor in front of me. At that moment, the timer went off and the treadmill began to move slower. My breathing is coming back to me….I am no longer covered in ‘death sweat.’ I sit on the paper covered exam table with my head hanging. The doctor leaves to look at the data while the nurse drains the last of my blood from the back of my hand because all the other veins have collapsed.
The doctor comes back into the room after what seems like an eternity. He looks at me and says what I had hoped. “Mr. Gaddy, you have a very strong and healthy heart…..” Now wait for it….wait for it….”for a man your size.” I look up after feeling like I had just been smacked with a wet dishcloth. “We need to get that weight under control again.” My mind starts to race, “Oh we do, huh? Come live with me. Deal with a partner who brings candy by the truckloads into the house constantly. Live with a roomie who cooks non-stop….like Paula Deen. Work 10 hour days and only be able to grab a quick bite of heaven knows what for lunch. We have the stress of yet another set of interviews to go through for a promotion just within reach” “Mr. Gaddy….Mr. Gaddy…did you hear me? This is our staff nutritionist and she will be going over some realistic changes that you should be able to implement fairly easily.” “Oh….um hi.”
Yes….sometimes I get so wrapped up in the scenario going on inside my head that I forget that there is a world still moving around me. I also forget that some people have just as many scenarios going on in their heads. Many of the scenarios in my mind have me battling things of insurmountable odds to emerge finally victorious. For most people those scenarios aren’t so kind.
I watched over this past week as a person very dear to me began to question his very worth. We have been friends for years and years. He has always been the picture of self confidence…some would even call him cocky. He has been unemployed now for a year and five months. He has been taking odd jobs to make the money for rent and food. He doesn’t spend any of his money frivolously.
He was offered a position with a company. He had a bad feeling about it. He asked me to work magick….I did. I had a bad feeling about the position. As I worked, I kept sensing manipulation, anger to the point of hatred, cover ups and lying….and through all of this I kept visualizing him being poisoned to death. He asked me what I saw and I was honest with him. He turned it down…and in that process it drew him into a dark place. He started to wonder what was wrong with him…..the question he kept asking me is, “When did I become worth so little?” I watched as the fire of life itself seemed to fade from his eyes and grayness appeared.
“What is it that you truly…with all your heart…want to do?” “I thought I knew at one time, but now I’m not completely sure anymore.” “Then it is time to move your heart into that place where passion and ability meet.” “How do I do that?” “You have to dig deep inside and find your core…the very essence of what it is you were created for.” I watched as a hint of that fire surfaced. In his eyes, an adventure was brewing. Just as quickly I watched discouragement come into his face. “But what if I fail?” I laughed out loud….”But what if you succeed?”
I asked myself the same thing this week regarding the pending promotion. A dear sweet friend reminded me that this was what I had prepared and worked for. This promotion is a goal that I had set for myself when I started the journey in my new company. Was I about to let fear of failure keep me from where I had pushed myself so hard to be? I was reminded of the above quote by a co-worker. She looked at me, pulled this up on my computer, winked and said, “Personally, I have always seen you as the kind of person who could fly….so break out that broom!” We both cackled ferociously as her beautiful dayglo pink hair bounced around her beautiful face.
This past week has been a week filled with hope for me….not a week where I have particularly felt more hopeful….but a week in which the hunger to build hope in others has been a strong magickal force. This has been a week for me to tell the interns at work that they are “only limited by themselves. You will only be allowed to go as far as you can dream.”
The past two weeks have seen much anger throughout the country regarding LGBT rights…especially because of the new law passed in Indiana. I know many people throughout this state and feel that to boycott this state would be unforgivable because of the way it would hurt those regular everyday folks who wouldn’t know how to hold hate in their heart even if they tried. I called on the Goddess this week to help me send a message of hope in the midst of this anger and hatred. She told me to put my money where my mouth is….so I have been making donations to Indiana’s LGBT groups. How do you stomp out hate? Pour magick into and make that thing that is hated even stronger and more visible. I refuse to feed into the poison being spit at Indiana.
I remember stories of a great great woman. She was ordered to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. She sat still. She didn’t scream or wail. She sat still…and when asked why she wouldn’t, she replied simply, “Because I shouldn’t have to.” Now that one act of courage ended in her arrest, but it also helped the cause of the Civil Rights movement. I refuse to feed hatred one way or another.
Isn’t it time that we stopped pushing people down so that we can watch them hurt? Wouldn’t you rather give them the ability to fly?