When people get to know me, they realize early on that I am pretty much a “what you see is what you get” type of person. I have never been one to live on pretense and don’t believe that I should have to be any less than who I am. I forget sometimes that not everyone else is like that. Most people allow you to be a part of their lives as long as the need suits them and then you become an inconvenience….or they hold you to a standard that only they are aware of and when you don’t fit that standard, or you step outside of the box that they have constructed around you, you become a parasite that must be eradicated.
This weekend was my birthday. It was filled with wonderful friends and acquaintances well wishes….except one. At one time, I thought that we were close. I would pay visits to his house when he had needs arise with his pets. After all, he shouldn’t have to dole out money at a vet for something that I could accomplish in ten minutes, should he? I found myself watching my phone for a text from this person…scanning Facebook for any chance of a ‘Happy Birthday’ wish from him. I found none.
I have always been one who didn’t think that others opinions of me mattered….until this weekend. My mind raced back to a phonecall with this person a couple of weeks ago. He had become irritated with me over the course of the call and reprimanded me. I quickly corrected him by stating that I would not be spoken to like a child. In the next few contacts we had via text, everything was cordial, but you could tell they were forced on his end. I excused it as his right to feel miffed if he felt he needed to be, so I pushed it to the back of my mind.
Friday night, I prepared for my Blue Moon Ritual. I used part of the ritual as a release. I always try to push those things away from me that seem to no longer serve a purpose or are harmful. I always include toxic relationships.
I sat quietly under the moon….watching through the glass jar of water I had put on the table to charge under the moonlight. Visions began to move through the water. I saw battles ahead…but I also saw victories. The thing that sticks out, was that I watched a scene in that water that made me cringe. I saw relationships being severed with a steel blade. I know that this is a normal part of life. Relationships change…people move on.
I left the tealights burning in the circle around me and curled up on the outdoor sofa. I woke up in total darkness. I don’t wear a watch so I had no idea what time it was. I gathered everything up and went inside. I quickly glanced at the clock and saw that it was 5:10am. I had pretty much spent the whole night underneath the moonlight.
I realized early in the day Saturday that I probably had a good healthy overdose of moon energy. I was fidgety, antsy…to much energy and not enough outlets for it. I kept glancing at my phone. Facebook was filled with well-wishes and Happy Birthday posts. It was wonderful seeing each one and they filled my heart with love…but there was one missing. Isn’t that just like us? We could be sitting in the midst of a banquet searching for one single grape.
The worst part of this was that I let this situation fill me with self-doubt. What had I done that was so wrong? Should I have been more understanding? More sympathetic? Did I say something hurtful? No….I had nothing to apologize for. I would do everything the same way if I had to do it over. I can only control the things that have to do with my actions, reactions, and words. I wasn’t hurtful. I was asked an opinion. I gave it.
My partner came up to me at one point yesterday and told me that I seemed down. “Is it the fact that you are almost 50?” “Yeah, that’s it.” I lied. “I am going for a walk in the woods.” I put Friz’s harness on him and we set out on a far too familiar path. We walked a little slower than normal. My mind was a million miles away.
Friz can tell more than anyone when I am out of sorts. I plopped down in the midst of the decaying leaves. Friz crawled up into my lap and licked at the tip of my nose. I looked directly in front of me and saw one of the larger trees. I studied it. There were gouges and dents in the bark, but there it stood.
My thoughts followed the contours of that old tree. It had been exposed to the elements. Weather and animals and humans had added divots and grooves to the outside bark….but that tree continued to grow. That tree had survived drought, Georgia summers and urbanization….but yet it continued to grow as if none of that existed around it.
As my eyes followed the gnarls and cracks in the bark, I had the realization that I am now almost a half century old. I have my own cracks, divots and gnarls, but the inside is still growing and learning. There are things and people that are going to move in and out of my life. I have to realize that everything is for a season only…some lasts for multiple seasons, but everything has an energy all its own. Sometimes that energy is no longer works alongside mine and I must release it and not let it fill me with doubt.
Today, my partner took me to “The Sound of Music” Sing-Along at the Fox Theater. One of the lines used in the movie stood out to me. I have watched this movie over and over through the years and never realized that these words were said. Two of the sisters were discussing Maria’s future at the abbey with the Reverend Mother. Sister Berthe suggested to the Reverend Mother that Maria’s antics should remove any doubt regarding Maria belonging at the abbey. The Reverend Mother replies, “I always try to keep faith in my doubts, Sister Berthe.”
I guess I am learning to do the same.