‘Tis You Who Hath Made Me Wicked……

This week has been a challenging week, if nothing else. My partner had his ear surgery last week and instructions were given for him to take it easy. In our household, that comes to mean one thing….I take on every little chore and undertaking. Now, I am not complaining….it had to be done for his healing. The cat boxes needed to be scooped, the dogs had to be walked, the house had to be cleaned, laundry had to be done, the courtyard had to be maintained, meals had to be cooked….and of course I had to watch him like a hawk. This also happened to be a very hectic and busy week at work. So this week….let’s just say…..I am pooped.

Now I normally try to be as upbeat as possible around home and work. I feel like sometimes we are so bombarded with bad stuff that we need that someone who can make us laugh at the dumbest things. At work, I am always posting dumb little pictures just to build morale and instigate a giggle or two. When I am overtired, however, I can be the biggest grump you have ever seen. It doesn’t help that I am living life on decaf….which is essentially flavored water. At home, I try to be equally as jovial. I try to make light of situations just to keep my partner’s mind from circling small issues over and over again and turning them into mountains.

So, I am at work this week and trying to deal with some major issues, when one of the women I work with asked me something that she should know backward and forward. I snapped at her. This woman also happens to know that I am a witch….and as she is walking away from me, I hear her mutter under her breath, “Hmmmpfh, looks like Glinda is gone and the Wicked one has taken over!” It kind of took me by surprise. I know I sat there with shock on my face, but also, it made me angry.

It seems like most of my life, I have been held to a different standard. My time in the ministry made me walk tightropes as far as behavior went. After all, the pastor is supposed to be loving, even-tempered, and long-suffering. Now, I have explained before that I am a complete fire sign….so to hold my temper all the time just ain’t gonna happen. In the church, I was always told that ‘righteous anger’ was ok. Well that is fine and good….but what about the ‘stupid people who could use smoting up-side the head’ anger?

I find the same standards in witchcraft. After all shouldn’t we hold ourselves to a higher standard? I also think that we shouldn’t be forced to stifle all that is natural in us. As a man who loves to embrace the wild part of myself, I would much rather snap as a warning to someone (the way the wolf or dog does) than let them put their hand right at my mouth and force a bite. With most of life, I have learned that sometimes growling a bit lets someone know that it is time to back away from me.

Frisbee is very much mostly mild-mannered. When he feels threatened, his fur bristles, he growls, he bears his teeth. We have one neighbor that either out of ignorance or shall we call it ‘her own state of simple bliss’ doesn’t realize that these are warning signs a dog gives when you are invading his space. I have told her over and over and over to please not approach Friz by reaching at or over him….don’t make direct eye contact with him…..be as non-threatening as you can possibly be around him. She doesn’t listen. This week, I was walking Friz on my lunch…as I do everyday and this woman comes up to him. She proceeds to reach at him. I asked her to please step back and don’t touch him because he is feeling uneasy. He proceeds to growl…..as did I. She looks at me vacantly and says, “Oh all dogs like me….that’s just his way of being friendly.” So I tell her, “I work in a vet clinic and those are all the postures of a dog who is uneasy and feels threatened.” She continued to ignore me and reached toward Friz like Elmira from Tiny Toons…with Friz backing farther and farther away.

Finally, I put myself between her and my dog and growled, “Back away from my dog or you won’t have to worry about him biting you….it will be me.” She said, “You don’t have to be mean!” I said, “I guess I do because you didn’t listen to me when I was trying to be nice.” It is sad that you can’t be firm, or give just a growl without someone looking at you as if your skin has turned green, your nose has grown crooked and sparks are flying from your fingers.

Now I wonder just how much we may have misjudged all those witches that we have come to think of as wicked over the years.

1. The Wicked Witch of the West: So many accounts are out there now about how she became Wicked. There are suggestions of her being scorned by the Wizard. Maybe she was just having a bad day, but we labeled her “Wicked.”
2. The Evil Queen from Snow White: Most of us have watched the episodes of “Once Upon A Time.” We have seen the hurts that Regina has been subjected to…only because she was never allowed to live the life she wanted.

I try very hard to be a gentleman, but when somebody pisses me off…..there can be hell to pay. I try to be kind with my words, but my tongue can cut you to shreds if you threaten me or any of my family….extended included. I would never use a spell to harm anyone, but I will pull out all the stops if you come at me. I have been told for so long that I should always keep the ‘negative’ emotions under wraps. I don’t really see any emotion as negative. If I let any emotion go to the ‘nth’ degree it can go haywire.

Am I wicked? Yeah, sometimes…..but I am also just as kind and gentle. It is not dependent on me…..but on you.

Blessed Be!

Having Been Erased….

It was a unique day today.  I won’t say that I have felt melancholy today….more like I knew something was going to happen.  I got up as normal, showered, shaved, drove to work, mechanically did my appointed tasks…you know, all that ho hum, work-a-day stuff.  I was in no way prepared for what was looming around the corner at lunchtime.

Now, I have talked about most of my relationships…..but there is one that I have not even shared with my dearest friend or my partner.  It wasn’t that it was so painful…but it was..and it wasn’t…and it was confusing and I didn’t know what to do with myself.  This was my very first relationship…in my mind, I put it into a special compartment….where it existed on its own, apart from my other relationships….but also where it didn’t exist.

I was very young.  We had been dating for five years.  We met when I was sixteen.  It had happened by accident.  He was a sweet boy the same age as me.  We did everything together.  We went hiking, white water rafting.  We discussed poetry and languages and wondered to each other about where we would be when we were fifty.  We were in our fifth year together and making arrangements for me to move in with him.  His family didn’t like me and mine didn’t like him….all because being a couple made both sides face the truth of who we were and who we were becoming.

Then it happened.  I got a call from a friend who worked with the local VFW.  There had been a fire.  They had found him unconscious hanging halfway out of a large window.  I rushed to the hospital.  He was still unconscious.  The family let me into the room for ten minutes.  Then I was hurriedly ushered out.  From that point on, I was not allowed to go back into the room.  I was alerted a few weeks later that he was coming around.  He would recover physically, but one thing had happened.  His memory was gone.  He couldn’t remember much of anything but bits and pieces.  He had no clue who I was. 

His aunt was appointed his caretaker. She had gone into his home while he was in the hospital and removed all traces of me.  She had taken all photos, all gifts…anything that might stir any kind of memory.  In one puff of smoke….I had been erased from his life.  To him, I had never existed.

I was hurt…confused.  How could someone be so inconsequential that they could be wiped completely from someones memory.  Not one speck of me existed in any of the recesses of his mind.  It was as if someone had gone into that big whiteboard of his mind and wiped everything clean.  I had become Mr. Cellophane.

Most people would have crumbled under these circumstances…..I proved something to myself in those months.  I am stronger than any situation that can hit me.  I decided at the moment that I was “removed” from his life…that from then on, I would always be memorable. 

It was then that I continued my pursuit of acting and singing for a time.  It was then that I gathered the strength that I would need to eventually be a pastor to hundreds.  It was then that I pulled from what was buried deep inside of me to begin the study of the Craft.  It was then that I began my journey into what would become the Weathered Wiseman.

In the years that followed, I did all the things that would make me, me.  I don’t regret one thing.  Have I said some things I shouldn’t have?  Sure.  Have I done some things that I might have been able to live without doing?  Sure.  Have I lived a life instead of existing?  Definitely.  Have I lived a life erased or invisible?  Oh Hell No!!  I am stubborn, opinionated, funny, loving, wise, and all over awesome.  Not because I was erased from someones memory…but in spite of it. 

I have learned so many things over the course of this journey…..things that I may have never learned had things taken a different turn.  I think on it now….the element that I most identify with is Fire.  The element that changed my life the most…..Fire.

Many years later, I was working at a local retail store. He came in with his aunt (who didn’t realize I was working there).  He looked me in the eyes and smiled that smile that I had known so intimately.  His aunt politely said, “This is Dave.”  He looked at me quizzically.  “It’s so nice to meet you, Dave.”  Once again, he was hurriedly ushered out of my life.  I sighed. It hadn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

Back to today….I had gone home for lunch like I always do to walk the dogs.  I spent a little extra time looking at the different plants and flowers poking their lazy little heads out from the dirt.  I had just finished walking the dogs and was rounding the courtyard.  My phone rang.  It was my mother.  She said, “David, I am off work today and the strangest message was on the answering machine when I got back from the grocery store.  It’s for you.  I don’t know who it is.  It’s just strange.”  She played the message into the phone.  It was very brief, but very powerful at the same time.  The words spoken were, “Dave, it’s me.  I don’t know if you are even still at this number.  I don’t know if you even still live around here.  I just wanted to let you know….I finally remembered you.”  Then I heard the dial tone.

All he did was confirm what I had already known.  I am not and will not be erased.  I am not Mr. Cellophane.  I am far too strong to ever be invisible.  I am content.  I hope he is.

Fanning the Flame of Brigid

Brigid is the Celtic triple goddess ruling healing, poetry, and smithcraft. She is one of the great mothers of the Celts. Brigid is best known for her associations with healing, poetry, and smithcraft. As a healing goddess, she governs childbirth and the birthing time.  As a goddess of poetry, she governs not only the inspiration and writing of poetry, but also divination and prophecy. As a goddess of smithcraft, she governs the forge’s fire. It is for these reasons that she is considered the “Bright Goddess” and is associated with the element of fire. In all her forms, she brings to one inspiration (a fire quality) and provides the spark for motivation. She is also the goddess of the hearth-fire, the fire of the home, since she contains the mother and fire aspects.

The festival of Imbolc on February 1 is dedicated to Brigid. Imbolc is associated with the lactation of ewes (Imbolc meaning “in the belly” and Oimelc meaning “ewe’s milk”) and is one of the four major Celtic festivals (Samhain, Imbolc, Beltane, and Lughnasadh also known as the greater Sabbats).

Over this past week I was encouraged, in preparation for Imbolc, to do a detailed study of Brigid.  I have to admit that my knowledge of her was a basic one.  I had only ever known her as the Goddess of the hearth fire.  In my mind, I guess I always pictured her as the quiet little house-witch ever-diligently tending the fire of the hearth where sustenance was being prepared as a strengthener for that weary witch who called on her.  Let me just say…I was so wrong.  I guess I should have honestly known better.  I have never known the Celts to have “settled in and comfortable” goddesses. The ones I have studied in the past have all been powerful, strong battle-strong goddesses.  I ask the forgiveness of the Lady Brigid for my desperate misinterpretation of her.

As I began studying, the first aspect of Brigid to show itself was the healing goddess.  It was not surprising that birth and the anticipation of the birthing time came forth.  As we come into Imbolc, it is in anticipation and preparation of spring.  It is shortly after this Sabbat that we begin to see the tell-tale signs that spring is around the corner.  Hibernation ends in February and March for those animals that do and they begin making babies.  It was always such a wonderful time in the spring on the farm when all the animals would start having little ones.  I remember vividly helping many a mama goat deliver twins or listening as the first faint peeps could be heard under the setting hens.  All of these memories stirred helped me to see Brigid as a goddess of beginnings.  As the darkness of winter starts to fade, she brings the light of new possibilities.  It is in that time that we come out of our own darkness…blinking constantly as we adjust to the sunlight of a new day blazing down on us, finally absorbing the warmth that floods us with hope.

This led me to the second aspect of her personality: Poetry.  This took me to a study of the word.  Back in my time as a minister, I studied Greek and Hebrew…..for far too many years.  In Greek, the word poiema means “a work” or “that which has been made.”  So this shows Brigid as a goddess of action.  She is considered to be the goddess of inspiration, divination and prophecy.  All of these traits combine in the form of a Creatrix…once again bringing forth the mothering part of her nature but that part that is very much ever-moving and ever-changing.  As I meditated on this part of her nature, I sat in front of my cauldron with flames licking forth from the belly and I called on her to awaken in me the things that are to born out of my heart and spirit in the coming year.  It was in that time that I felt an excitement and stirring deep within my own belly….much like those flames reaching higher and purposefully out of my own cauldron.  I know what visions and dreams were given and shown to me in those moments, and I look forward to sharing them with you as I watch them unfold.

The next aspect of her personality that came forth to me was the goddess of the forge’s fire.  Brigid is the goddess of smithcraft.  If you look into the history of smithcraft, it is only in the direct heat of the fire that metal is made maleable.  It is in that heat that impurities are burned off and the metal is able to be shaped into what the smith has need of.  It is that same thing that Brigid offers.  In the light of spring, we are given the chance to start over…to become anything we desire to become.  In those days, we are given the chance to fly again.  It is only in the light of spring that plants reach higher and higher, face to the sun, becoming all that nature intended for them to be.  Brigid offers us that same option.  Our potential is limitless.  We are built to grow, to change, to become.  We are one large compilation of energies….our energy is designed to work with and play upon other energies.

In the midst of this study time, I was forced to look eye to eye with myself.  Am I sitting on my broadest part waiting for life to come to me?  Brigid has awakened that part of me that may have actually been a little afraid to dream, to visualize.  She also stirred the wild man inside again.  For some reason, whenever I tend to become far too civilized, the horned one and a fiery goddess begin whispering in my ear.  When I get too busy to listen, I get a louder call to get back to that wild part of myself.  As I sat in front of the fire of my cauldron, I swear I could hear the flames laughing….urging me to laugh along with them in anticipation of the newness that life was about to take on……the dance of the wild man welled up inside and I couldn’t help myself.  The excitement of the Fire Goddess called me to dance and sing and move….always forward. 

Anticipation.  Inspiration.  Motivation.  Sounds like a hell of year is about to unfold.

Blessed Be!

Where Do I Fit?

This past weekend I had alot of time to think about things by the pond. The coolness in the weather seemed to call me outside more than normal. The wind was begging to play and the water was laughing as it was tickled by the breeze. It seems that I am called to the pond so much more lately. My courtyard used to be more my refuge, but it always seemed so ‘put together.’ I knew that my spirit was being summoned to something wilder…something that had not been tamed by the city.

I decided to wander out there today after work. It was a really stressful day and my blood pressure decided to bounce up and down like a yo-yo. I found myself getting angry at every stupid little comment and trying to separate myself from everything and everyone. Now was my chance. I went by myself today. I could feel my Lady of the Lake singing to me. I could feel Oak calling for me to nestle myself against his trunk (when I am lying against him, it is almost as if he is absorbing the negativity within me and pushing it deep underground with his roots).

My mind was going in a thousand different directions. I thought about the past. I thought about all the things I had been allowed to do in life. I was a singer, an actor, a clown, a minister, a counsellor, an artist, a boyfriend, a farmer…..it seemed to me like it had been too short a life for all those personalities to be wound up inside me.

I have always been a mutt of sorts. I have always used the old phrase “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” It is one thing to be able to do alot of stuff, but if you don’t completely excel at those things, it can be dreadfully unfulfilling. There were only two things that ever felt completely natural to me…..being gay and being a witch. I felt like I excelled at both. In the church, I had always been taught ‘Father God’ but I always felt drawn to the Horned one and Mother Goddess.

I laughed out loud today as I remembered my days in the church. I was very much like Maria Von Trapp in The Sound of Music. It seemed that the other pastors I worked with were always singing, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like David.” I always had an unconventional approach to things. I loved to take the classes I taught out into nature to experience what I truly knew was Divine. I spent my lunches wandering through woods and creek beds. I never quite fit into the mold they had created for me.

And this is why I went to the pond today. I am feeling like I am not so much fitting anymore. I am caught inside the hamster wheel. Before the ooohs and aahhs start, my relationship is fine, my walk along the Path is fine, I am basically fine. There is just a puzzle piece loose somewhere.

I think the clearest when I am in nature. I can breathe again. I needed my time with the Horned One and Mother Goddess. I needed it to be me. Just me. I took my shoes off straight away and dug my toes into the dirt. I pushed my hands down into the grass just to feel that connection with the earth around me. I could hear the crows in the distance. My have I heard the crows lately…..and seen the crows…they have been everywhere. I have also been having more dreams about travel this week. I travel in my dreams by broom or by foot or just by puff of smoke.

This has also been a week when animals have been drawn to me more than ever. Dogs that I don’t know at the clinic are running up to me in a crowd of people. The clinic cats have been leaving gifts (goddess help me) on my desk. Today I was standing in the hall at work and I see this flash of white running toward me……it was a ferret who had escaped and ran at me and climbed me. Now you have to know that I am afraid of ferrets, rats, anything along that line. I am hyperventilating and he is having the best time. Everyone around me is laughing because they know of my fear.

Of course as I come to this revelation, it should not surprise me that at that moment there is a black and white cat winding itself around me. I don’t think I have ever heard him purring as loudly. I feel my brain starting to relax. Too many thoughts have been circling it. I smell the turn of the wheel as I sit there. I am delighted by having friends circled around me. I take my cue from them. I make myself laugh with the water. I make myself dance in the wind. I make myself calm and steady along with the Oak, and I breathed contentment like black and white cat.

I am far from depressed. Something has just been off. I find the best way to deal with that ‘off’ feeling is to put myself in the place that I fit best…..right in the midst of the Lord and Lady. While I am watching the world start to go dormant as the wheel turns, I am reminded that there are those times in us when we feel like a blank page. It is in those times that I must allow the Lord and Lady to write on those pages. I must also allow my elemental friends to do the same….it is important to pull on the personalities of Earth, Air, Water, and Fire.

I gather myself and bid black and white cat ‘Good Evening’ and give my offerings to the elements and head back to the condo. I go about my regular nightly duties. I empty the garbage and head to the dumpster with the bag. I open the door into the courtyard and look up….there is a hawk sitting on the brick of the courtyard fence. I fumbled for my camera and end up with a blurred picture of bricks. Immediately I think about the significance of the hawk. Hawk brings awareness and perspective ( Am I going through life blindly right now…going through the motions). He also brings insight and vision (Am I bottling my creativity? Is my self confidence waning a bit). He brings initiative and decisiveness (Am I procrastinating about something).

I can definitely see that the weeks ahead will bring many new thoughts and ponderings…..many days by the pond….culminating in a trip to the mountains of Asheville the first weekend of November. I see an adventure in the making.