Friday was my birthday. I made possibly the worst decision of my life. I sat down at 11pm and watched a movie by myself. The movie? “Marley and Me.” I heaved and I sobbed for the last hour of the movie. I had to get a hand towel from the closet, it was so bad. It pulled every emotion I felt for the past twenty years up and out.
Now this little sob fest had nothing to do with the fact that I am now two years from fifty. It had nothing to do with the fact that life in general is a whirlwind. It was because this movie takes you from birth to old age and finally the death of a beloved friend.
I have always believed deeply in the quote at the top of the page. It has always been my mantra that we are the end result of all the choices that we make in our lives. Our hearts, spirits, bodies are the summation of every good, bad, or so-so choice we have ever made. If you think back far enough, you can take a choice that you have made and correlate it with a later event in your life.
I was in Florida most all of last week. Many things were presented to me in that leg of my journey in life. I was able to visit with a friend…able to walk by the water with him….feeling that balmy breeze against my face. We were looking for makeshift ingredients for a spell. I look back now and see that it wasn’t looking for ingredients as much as it was about listening to the sounds around us. I think back on that night and I see more of who I am becoming. It is becoming more obvious that the Morrigan is the goddess with whom I work. My words, my actions are becoming more blunt…less willing to allow things that I think are harmful to come into the picture at all.
I know that age is a part of that too. Too many times I have wanted to pull someone aside this week and ‘enlighten’ them…simply because I have been there before, I want to save them the pain, I want them to be able to see with the eyes of the crone…one who has felt that pain and moved past it. But I also know that each one has to walk out their own path, their own journey. I can’t do that for them. We each have to feel the pain and elation that comes with life. The only thing that I can do is pray for clarity.
One thing that I have mulled over in my mind all weekend is the fact that we, as witches, are often quick on the draw with the spellbook. If you think about it, though, every word that leaves your mouth is a spell of sorts. Whenever you sit and fume over what the neighbors do…you form intention and out spews exactly what you wish would happen to them. Each argument that you have with your spouse or partner has the power to build up or rip to shreds. The words you say speak your own truth daily. Think of your own self speak. What do you speak into your own life?
Last night, I dreamed that I found a baby raven. There was no mother or father anywhere to be found. As I sat talking out loud to this little black ball of fluff, it ambled out of the nest and plopped itself right down into the middle of my hands. I picked it up and carried it home with me. I wasn’t sure what to feed it, how to feed it, or how to nurture it. Throughout the dream, with no help from me, the raven seemed to grow and mature. It was a time span of only a month, but this raven had grown into a throaty, raspy voiced adult that only attached itself to me. Wherever I went, it went with me….riding contentedly on my arm.
Has a new vision been birthed in my life? Is it a vision that is going to take a growing strength? Or maybe I am adding to the vision inside of me. I won’t pretend to be this gentle, plodding soul of a Cunning Man who constantly navigates the woods or creeks or ponds of life. There is also just that much of me that lives life here in the city and curses when he is cut off in traffic. He is that person that struggles sometimes with whether or not to break out a poppet and stick it full of pins instead of blessings. I am the witch who would honestly rather use “Bitch Be Gone” Powder more than “Come to Me Oil.”
I feel that as I move more into the Samhain of my own life, when not everything is about ‘love and light,’ that I have to become more confident in the magick that is brewing inside me. If I were to feel little bubbles of light all the time…honestly, knowing myself, I would just have to chalk it up to gas.
The one thing that I strive for more than anything with the rising number of years that come with each birthday…is transparency. I always want to show forth exactly who I am. Some days that can be a good thing…some days, not so much. I always want people to look in my eyes and see that no matter what, I will never compromise who I am.
While I was away last week, we were thrown a party. There was food and drinking and dancing. I sat at my table and watched as the men and women danced. I watched as heads were lain on shoulders and people got lost in the moment. It was during my little daydream that a male friend of mine sat down at my table. “I feel bad for you. You don’t have anyone to dance with.” With those words, this tall, rugged looking straight man takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. “You’ve got me for the rest of the evening.” With that, I put my head on his shoulder and listened to him hum. He was no less straight and I was no less gay. He was completely comfortable with who he is and living his life on his terms….and forever, he will be my hero.