Transitioning Back Into the Magick Within Us

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Tonight is two nights after Samhain.  This year, Samhain brought in cold and howling winds and rain.  As I communed with my ancestors, I listened intently as the wind hammered against the side of the condo.  The trees whipped back and forth.  One could feel the cold prying its fingers in through the window sills.  It reminded me of an old quote from Mary Poppins,

Winds from the East…Mist coming in

Like something’s a brewing, about to begin

Can’t put my finger on what lies in store…

But I feel what’s to happen, all happened before!

In the new year that is coming upon us, it seems that my theme is to be slowing down.  I am one of those people who, if not careful, will allow myself to become a frenzy of work and home life and everything else in between.  Most of my life is lived at full tilt…just like most other people.  Ever have those weeks when magick can become an afterthought?

I love the quote at the start of the blog.  We let life on a daily basis push magick away from us.  We let circumstances and emotions push the magick all the way to the back of our minds.  Then when everything else seems exhausted, we think, “Oh yeah, I am a witch.”  Shall I raise my hands, wave them about and scream ‘Guilty’ at the top of my lungs?

Last week, I spent the majority of my time nursing a sprained ankle.  Last night, I ended up in the emergency room because when I drifted off to sleep, moments later I would awaken myself gasping for air.  I amaze myself sometimes.  I am the first to send healing, Reiki, or any other magick to anyone else…but I tend to lose my brain and any magickal abilities when it comes to myself.  Thinking back on it…if I had just stopped, calmed myself and done some Reiki and magick combined, I would have been fine.

Well, the diagnosis came back just as me and the doctor suspected.  I am fat.  I am sedentary.  I don’t exercise enough.  His solution?  Lose weight.  Exercise…walk.  Get outside more.  I laughed out loud.  My medically, scientific minded doctor was telling this nature-loving witch that he needs to be outside more.  He asked if I had a dog that I could take on long walks in the brisker fall air.  I told him I did and that we normally take short morning walks.  He asked my habits.  After reluctantly admitting that I am mostly a couch potato, my doctor looked at me, laughed out loud and said matter-of-factly, “You have become far to domesticated.”

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Domesticated?  I became a bit indignant.  I have always considered myself a bit of a wild man.  I am not like the ones in the earlier quote.  I am not domesticated.  After I pushed past my hurt feelings, I started thinking to myself…”When was the last time you ran through the woods or outside?  When is the last time you were able without gasping for air?  When is the last time you let a youthful sparkle shine from your eyes?  When was the last time that child-like wonder escaped from you with the sharp intake of breath that comes from seeing magick happen up close and personal?”

After arriving back home, I sat and thought about a game plan.  The doctor and I agreed that organic, healthy eating habits would be best.  Lean proteins, lots of green leafy veggies and plenty of fruits and nuts would help to get my body functioning more normally.  Exercise…such an ugly word.  Thankfully we are heading into the darker months of the year…this time of year is an energizer for me.  I function better in briskness and cool.  Mine and Friz’s walks are going to have to become longer….he will be more than happy.  He pulls constantly when we walk…as if he knows that I need to expend more energy…as if urging me to move more.

My dear friend Cindy posted a photo on her Facebook page.  This photo said, “November s the month of transformation.  It is time to prepare for the coming winter and a time to strengthen communication.”  My preparation is to be more brisk walks….music that inspires magick penetrating my headphones…a chihuahua for motivation…and healthy, delicious foods.  It is time for re-teaching.  It is time to listen to the heart of the Morrigan…there is a battle waging inside me now.  It is up to me.  I want to encourage that wild part of my spirit to surface…that heart of wolf who runs with the wind…that heart of crow who flies higher and higher.  2014-11-02 15.33.57

As the earth goes to sleep, it is my time to listen to my body, my heart and my spirit.  I sat in the woods this morning huddled in my cloak, Friz tucked underneath with my personal sized Book of Shadows in my hands (it is kind of like my ‘spells on the go’ book).  I am sitting there trying to write a spell to accomplish what I want accomplished.  Maybe it was writer’s block…maybe I was thinking too hard.  I decided to take a hint from my most magickal little blue dog.  I raised my head, nose to the wind.  I could smell the leaves around me….the cold tickled my nose.  It was exhilarating!

Leaves swirl around me with abandoned delight…

My breath hangs in front of me here in my sight.

As the earth darkens around me, seeds of growth sown

New beginnings, new disciplines, a new heart will be shown.

Magickal workings encompass me round…

I listen and act so that blessings abound.

My body and mind and my spirit align…

Victory, health and prosperity are mine.

By word and action and now by deed,

As I will, so mote it be.

As if on cue, I hear Mama Crow behind me.  I look up and there she sits, looking down at me.  She offers that guidance I seek.  She flies.   Reminding me that I need to always remember to do the same.  Friz and I head back home, we wrap ourselves in a blanket on the sofa and ‘rest our eyes.’

Later today I read my dear Maluna’s posting:

Man changes our clocks.  Animals and some of us listen to our bodies….never mind human reasoning…it is what it is….Moon up…leaves down…I look at the positive….more time to see and spend with the silver globe of light….Full moon this week….work for healings, positive change for some….with the swirl of the holidays upon us…the temptations of wondrous delicacies…it’s time to take charge of your body…your eating habits….. bundle up and get outside…walk, yoga, dance…clean house…(yes it burns calories)….incorporate fruits and veggies in your diet of comfort food…and yesssss we all want the hearty, heavy creamy stuff….just balance with nutrition also. Excellent few days to put this program into motion…many depend on you…be healthy, for yourself…and those who love you! Now….go dance under that glorious moon…she’ll always dance along with you! BB

 

So here we go!  Blessed Be!

 

 

 

 

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Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Can Last Forever…

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I have had a lot of time over the past few weeks to think about many things and observe many things.  One of the things I have noticed….particularly on Facebook is the viciousness that tends to spew forth from people.  I find it quite disheartening that anyone who has beliefs or feelings that are different than the majority is attacked in pack mentality and then stalked to see if they are still standing.

I have witnessed this in many different arenas.  You would think that we, as witches, would remember the power of words and intent.  We utilize this every time we work Magick.  We invoke the Goddesses and Gods.  We call on the elements.  We create elaborate and beautiful spells.  A phrase comes to mind with all of this…..”You kiss your mother with that mouth?”  We have no problem going before the Goddess as the powerful witches we are…full of intent and strong Magick, but we also have no problem tearing a fellow witch to shreds with just as much intent and Magick…whether we realize it or not.  I have learned to just separate myself and stay silent.  I am not saying that I have never done this.  Sometimes my own personal hurt gets in my way or my ego gets dinged a bit.

We are also just as vicious and careless with the words that we speak over ourselves.  I had a bit of personal experience with this over the past few weeks.  I had the flu, which turned into pneumonia.  I was asked how I was doing.  I kept responding, “I feel like death.” or “I feel like I am dying.”  I started to feel worse.  Hmmm, wonder why?  I learned that I needed to acknowledge the positives that I was feeling daily.  “I am not completely better yet, but I am feeling a little better every day.”  With this, I am not ignoring the sickness, but I am not giving it the upper hand either.

Another little medical issue I have been dealing with and learning to respond to is a lump I found in my chest a few months ago.  When I first felt it, the doctor did a fine needle aspirate of it and determined that it was a fatty lump.  When I went back for treatment of the pneumonia, he felt it again and said that it wasn’t as moveable as it was at first and seemed firm.  It was determined that when I was over the pneumonia, we would biopsy it.  That is set for next Friday.

Now to say that fear set in is putting it mildly.  Every voice in my head told me that I am dying of cancer.  Panic tried to step in.  A dear friend of mine had to remind of the power of words.  Whether it is cancer or not, it is all about how I approach things.  My mind and heart will always be stronger than my body.  The power of Magick is always going to be stronger than my body.  I had to resolve within myself that I accept things as they happen.  I should never breathe them into existence before they come to being.   What is going to happen is going to happen.  I am stronger than all of it.

I have lived through many things in my life.  I have been called Fag.  I have been spat on.  I have been beat up for being who I am.  I have been called fat, ugly….you name it and I have probably been called that.  Yes, those words have hurt me tremendously and have always and will always stick in my mind and heart….but those words were mostly spoken by people who have no clue who I really am.  Even those who were closest to me who spat out those words never really knew the “me” inside. 

Another thing that I have seen done is when someone lies to make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  That can be just as harmful.  When we tell ourselves and others lies about who we are, it causes things to fester inside of us.  When you constantly skirt around lies so that people won’t find out the truth, that lie can eat at the inside of us until we can’t breathe.  I will compare this to me trying to pretend I was straight…all the while knowing that  I was gay.  It began to eat at my insides until I felt like I was going to have a breakdown….which eventually I did.  The truth was freeing for my mind, heart and spirit.

We had a guest in our home this weekend who did not know that I am a witch.  I struggled with the thought of “de-witching” the house.  My better judgement won out.  You see, I made a prejudgement of him.  He was inquisitive and open and very excited.  He taught me something new about myself.

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I went walking this morning to the pond with Friz.  As we walked, snow flurries whirled around us.  I have always found snow to be very purifying, cleansing.  Parts of this blog were also whirling around my brain.  I started to ponder what would happen if I made a conscious choice to make the words that come out of my mouth healing words…encouraging words.  I started with Friz.  His response to words of praise was immediate.  He wiggled, he licked and he wagged.

What would happen if we chose on a daily basis to keep our words venom free?  What if we pulled the claws in and offered hands of healing and powerful magick that lift up and encourage those around us? What if, we were honest with those around us, but temper that honesty with love?  What if we actually went out looking for the positive in other people?  How about we start looking toward the Lord and Lady once again and stop looking for the boogie man around every corner. 

This is my intention.

Blessed Be!

 

Slipping Through the Open Gate….or Taking Off the Harness and Living the Untamed Life

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Now y’all haven’t heard me talk about our little Bella much.  She is the “wild girl” in our little pack here.  I often let y’all in on Friz’s life and how much he tends to be like me in nature and all the warm fuzzy stuff that he does.  Well….truth be told, Bella is more like that part of me that not everyone gets to see.  She lives life for Bella and Bella alone.  If she wants it, she takes it.  If she wants out, she goes.  If you are in the place she wants to be….you move.  If Bella is a reincarnation of anyone from history, it would have been one of the Egyptian queens or one of those strong women that made history by being just a little naughty.

I love Bella to death…but she can be challenging at times.  She has to be watched like a hawk.  She is the dog that will eat something just because she wanted to know what it tastes like…whether it was edible or not.  Bella takes life by storm and lives every moment like a bat out of hell. 

All of this being said….we have to section the house off with baby gates.  It keeps Bella safe from Bella.  She is on a restricted diet, but one of her guilty pleasures is waiting for my partner to absent-mindedly leave the gate that has access to the cat food open.  So many times I have caught Bella slowly sneaking toward the opening and closer to the cat food…her mouth open in the anticipation of getting a tasty little forbidden morsel.  When she hears “Bella, NO!!” escape your lips, she looks up at you defiantly and in a huff she tromps away.  Bella is determined that it is not she who has been domesticated in this household….and that we are but her minions.  How dare we put restrictions on her life and tell her what she can and cannot do.Photo Oct 13, 6 23 03 PM (1)

So, with all that being said,  I decided to take Bella on an excursion this morning.  We went to the pond.  I put on her little pink fleece jacket….it was bitter cold out and the little lady does like her comfort.  Before I could even get her harness on, she bolted out the door at full force and then on out the gate.  Thankfully it was early, so there was no danger of cars pulling in and out.  As I went outside of the gate calling her name, I looked down to the side and there she sat, wagging her stubby little butt, staring up at me as if to ask, “What took you so long.”  Hmmmmm, this one is too smart for her own good.

I suited her up in her harness and we walked toward the pond.  Her ears were swaying back and forth as she did her little bounce walk.  You could see it in the way she walked…she was going on an adventure….with or without me.  When we got to the pond, I sat down under my friend Oak and started to relax into my routine.  Well, with Bella, there is no routine.  She goes at full tilt.  She wanted to be up and moving.  I decided to try a little experiment (I would not suggest doing this if you don’t know your dog beyond knowing.  I know, for a fact, that Bella will never go too far from me.  She may run, she may dart…but she will stop at a certain point.  This has been proven at the dog park.  She won’t let me get beyond a certain earshot or line of vision.)  I took the leash off of Bella’s harness.  She danced, she leapt, she ran in circles….and she explored.  She sniffed everything.  Every few minutes, she would check back in with me or bring me some odd thing that she had unearthed or pulled out of a patch of weeds.  I had to laugh as I watched this wild child at play.  Hurricane Bella was a force to be reckoned with. 

It made me think….how many times do I sit around and wait for somebody to leave the gate open, or for that matter, take off the harness of day-to-day issues before I run around free of cares and all that burdens me.  I didn’t realize it until this morning, but food was a harness that was holding me back.  It wasn’t until I began my healthier lifestyle choices and watched the fat come off that I started feeling more energetic…that I was able to dance under the moon and not get winded.  I watched that little weiner dog do everything she could on impulse this morning.  I had to admit to myself that my life is too planned.  I can give you a schedule for everything I do….including rituals and playtime. 

I can see the gate opened….right there at the edge of my pasture.  I feel that it is time for me to make a run for it.  I know that right outside of it lies spontaneity and freedom.  It has seemed lately that my brain has felt way too cloudy.  Work hasn’t been hard or stressful for me…it has just been way too busy.  Homelife hasn’t been tense or out of control…it has just been too busy.  I have got to spend more time outside of that gate…unharnessed and ready to laugh and play and just be joyful.  I have all the elements around me that allow for that.  I have a wonderful partner….really great friends….incredible animals who encourage me every day to tap into that part of me that is just as wild as they can be. 

We tend to forget that life today can keep us scheduled to death.  Always doing something that is required of us.  Sometimes we just have to do something because we want to….just because it was birthed into us at the beginning of the age.

That gate is open.  You better run…..NOW!!

Blessed Be!

Riding the Brakes and Rubbernecking

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Over the past few days, it has been raining off and on here in Atlanta.  I am not fond of driving in Atlanta traffic in the rain.  Wait….that may be a tad understated….I loathe driving in Atlanta traffic in the rain. 

I am not one that speeds.  I typically drive within the speed limit…but that is just it.  I drive.  Here in Atlanta, when it rains, most of the population ride their brakes.  On the way to work this morning, it did not matter which lane I got in, the person in front of me rode their brakes the whole way…then when someone rearended another brake-rider, traffic came to a dead halt so that every car passing could rubberneck.  I never understood that either.  It isn’t like you really know that person or really intend to stop and help. 

Of course, this got my brain reeling.  How often, in our own lives, do we “ride the brakes?”  We let fear of the unknown or the opinions of other people dictate how we live our lives.  Personally, it would be really easy, as a witch, for me to live my life that way.  I mean, who wants to deal with people thinking that you are just a few bricks shy of a load because you “stir energy,” or “believe in fairies?”  On a daily basis I deal with raised eyebrows and giggles when I don’t behave the way that the world around me does.

I remember when I “came out of the broom closet” to my partner.  I just knew that he was going to laugh at my spiritual practices or he was going to lump me in the category of the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus.  The relief that flooded over me when he told me that he was fine with whatever I believed or did because it was what made me, me.  Fear had tried to put the Craft on the backburner, but truth made the magick flourish.

Riding the brakes can go another direction also…in today’s society, it is far too easy to become buried by day to day activities and troubles.  I am as guilty of this as the next person.  Back in October, I was told by my doctor to decrease my stress….yeah, ok, right.  I live with two gay men who apparently know no other name in the household when it comes to resolving issues.  I have four pets…end of that sentence.  I have a job that changes constantly with more and more requirements each week….and even with the lifestyle change that I have undertaken, I am obese. 

Many days and nights, it takes everything I have just to spend a few minutes in meditation or in the great outdoors.  I put my foot through the floor board to try to get the world to slow down around me.  If only my memory weren’t too short.  If only I could remember that it is in the meditation and in the time outdoors that I am renewed.  If I could just stop twisting my neck out of joint trying to see what everybody around me was doing and concentrate on what is going on right in front of me there might be a better flow.537393_193957130744475_2044726616_n

I read the above quote on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and it struck me as profound.  If you think about it, when you feel disheartened, dispirited and depressed….that is when you need your spirit stirred the most.  Dancing gets your circulation going.  When you put your whole self into the dance…when you feel it down to the soles of your feet…it brings life back to the body.  If you are like me, when you sing, it comes from the deepest part of your being.  Singing moves my spirit like nothing else…that is when raw emotion touches every fiber of my heart.  Stories….I love a good Fairytale.  It makes the brain race forward and the imagination take you on exciting journeys.  Silence helps us to feel ourselves….truly feel who we are.  It allows us to touch our own souls.

I will add one more to this list.  Make a little magick.  This doesn’t have to be some elaborate ritual.  Just do something.  For the kitchen witch it may be as simple as whipping up a delicious treat, for the craft witch making something cute and simple, for the garden witch digging in the dirt might do it.  Remember….it is in the intention.  If you do something with the knowledge and intent that what you are doing is magickal…..the worlds will open up before you!  Trust me….I have been fortunate enough to be shown the magick in a simple walk.  If you see yourself as ordinary, you will be ordinary.  If you see yourself as the wonderful witch, wizard, or alchemist you are….then guess what??  You will see magick unfold right before your eyes.  After all, believing is seeing.2012-08-24 14.51.02

I have had to think today about what makes me put on the brakes and stare out at what others have crashed into.  So many things try to distract me.  It is time for me to lose the distractions, put my foot on the gas and move forward….Can I help it if magick sparkles fly out of the tailpipe?

Blessed Be!

The Music of the Night…

I have to admit to y’all. I do not like to be scared…or as we call it in the south, “skeered.” It tears my insides to shreds to think that anything would be out there to “git” me. I remember going to sleep as a child with my covers pulled all the way to my ears….guess those covers were magickal, because nothing ever got me.

I also remember sitting in horror as my grandma told me stories of the Booger Woods that were behind her house when my dad was growing up….stories of how a headless boar chased one of the neighbors all the way to edge of those woods. She would also tell me stories of “The Raven Mocker.” This was a Cherokee legend….a dead witch come back to prey on those that were ill or dying. The Raven Mocker will not come near a Medicine Man…or a Shaman. When I heard this, I told my grandma then and there that I wanted to be a Medicine Man. She laughed and told me that I didn’t have anything to be “skeered” of….I had plenty of medicine inside me…medicine so strong that I might not know what to do with it all. My grandma saw things in me that it took many years for me to see in myself.

I have always walked gingerly around anything that had to do with ‘spirits’ or ‘haints,’ as my mountain-born aunt would call them. I have always had a fascination/fear of them. Even as a child, I would dream about the spirit of those who had crossed over…sometimes letting my parents know that they had passed before they knew. In the dreams, though, I was never afraid of them. In my dreams, I have been approached by many different spirits to help them in their journey….most of the time it is one that is in trouble or ‘stuck.’ Lest you think I am constantly bombarded, let me just tell you that this only happens once in a blue moon. The last time was just after my grandma died, but I think that was to comfort me more than her.

This week, however, I have been dreaming non-stop….even to the point of having to watch daydreaming. Anytime my brain has been drawn from the focus of the present, I sense an urgency… a calling…a tweak in my own spirit. When I put my head on the pillow this week, my dreams have taken me directly into the woods. In this dream, I am in the woods surrounded by shadow people….but there is no fear in me. For some reason, I know these beings. I sense that they need me. In my dream, I transform into my chihuahua and then into a wolf. As I watch myself, it seems as though I am holding court amongst the shadow people. As the dream ends, I see them dissipate and as I walk out of the woods, I transform back to human. My partner says that I have talked up a storm in my sleep this week, and I always wake up with music that is tribal, yet Celtic, in my head. Since I haven’t felt threatened by the dream, I have just taken to pulling in protective energies ( just in case) and going on with business as usual.

Last night, I went walking…me and that little blue chihuahua. I don’ t know why, but lately I have been craving the night air. It seems as though my senses are keener at night and I am able to feel a new kind of energy. I have been sleeping later in the mornings and haven’t been to the pond since last weekend.

When we walk, that chihuahua doesn’t normally pull much. We normally walk side by side. Again, I had my headphones on listening to Omnia. I love how the melodies and beat speak to my soul. Apparently, I was mindlessly walking toward the place in the woods where I had gone by myself last weekend….the place that felt strange and forboding. As I walked, I could feel Friz pulling away. He really doesn’t like to explore new things as much as I do. I picked him up and carried him. He snuggled closer into my chest under my cloak (I gave into the fact a long long time ago that some of my neighbors probably think I am the village loon). I walk deeper and deeper into the woods. I look around for a spot where I can see Mama Moon the clearest. I settle in….I breathe in the mustiness of the woods…the smell of the decaying leaves. Friz pulls in closer. I remember the feeling I am experiencing….it was the same feeling I had on my first encounter with Lady Hekate. I closed my eyes and envisioned all my helper animals….my familiars, some would say…or power animals. Mama Crow, Wolf….I have Friz in my arms. One is missing. I turn around and look….I hear padding in the leaves…more of a tromping. Somebody is putting on weight…all the offerings I bring with me? It is black and white cat minus the harem. I settle in and close my eyes….strange for a kid who was essentially scared of the dark. I breathe in the mysticism around me. I can feel the magick. Funny, I have been dreaming of the circle of shadows only to end up in the midst of the Queen Witch. Omnia is singing “Wytches Brew.”

Thrice the brinded cat has mewed!
-Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined!
-Harpy cries: ” ’tis time! ’tis time!”

Round about the cauldron go,
in the poisoned entrails throw
Skin of toad and spike of bone,
sharpened on an eagle stone
Serpent’s egg and dancing dead,
effigy of beaten lead
Double double trouble you,
bubble in a witches’ brew

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog
Lizard leg and fairy wing,
round about the cauldron sing
Double double trouble you,
bubble in a witches’ brew

Root of mandrake dug at night,
when the moon is full and bright
Slip of yew and twig of fern,
make the fire dance and burn
For our will it will be done,
when the hurlyburly’s done
Double double trouble you,
bubble in a witches’ brew

Double double toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Double double trouble you
Bubble in a witches’ brew

I welcome Maiden, Mother, and Crone into my circle. Again, she brings the power of the moon into our midst. I sing to her the needs of those I have been dreaming about. You can feel her sweeping about the woods. Encircling this sacred place. She has always embraced the Wild Man that has been a part of me. I can hear her cackle as the urge to move is upon me. She always stirs that Wild Man in the Woods part of my soul.

I finish up the ritual. I bow to the Queen of Witches and leave my offering. I walk out of the woods holding Friz and with a chubby little cat on my heels. He knows I have food. I give him his offering in thanks for his services. Friz starts to squirm at this point. He wants down. We walk slowly toward the condo…..although he was reluctant at first…he starts to bounce like a pup now, teasing my ankles and play-growling. He’s fierce, that one. LOL!

There may be more dreams in the future….there were none last night. I must be a willing vessel. My grandma was right….there is medicine there. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface.

Blessed Be!

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I Second That Emotion….

I think I have mentioned it before in here that I have “empathic tendencies.” It doesn’t tend to rare up unless someone that I have very deep feelings about is going through something….then it comes on with full force. This week has been full force.

Now, I will be honest with you—when I had the excess weight on, it seemed easier to deal with the torrents of emotion that would come at me. I would assume that is because I have had so much extra padding (no pun intended). I have found that with the weight loss I have experienced and the purging of all that is artificial and yummy, that my senses are heightened, my brain seems more alert, and I have way too much energy for the fat left on me right now. I always said that my fat was a layer of protection for me. This week, I think I found out that it was shielding me from myself. A friend of mine said this to me just yesterday: You have to restructure your mind with your new body Dave…it’s not all about the outside!

It seems as though so many people whom I love and admire are going through emotional hurricanes over the past week or three, including the little four leggeds. I have sat and cried like a giant baby reading what some folks have had to endure this week. And while I am saying this….I don’t dare stay in the room when I hear Sarah McLaughlin’s voice come on the television.

I have friends who have dealt with loss on so many levels this week. There are those who have had unspeakable changes hit them smack dab in the middle of the forehead. I have witnessed these strong, indomitably spirited folks pulling themselves up by the bootstraps…..walking forward (even though they may be walking with a slight limp)….picking up the shattered hearts of others along the way. I watch as they apply the salve to their own wounds so that they might help in the healing of the wounds of others.

I got up early yesterday morning, as is my habit….I wanted to go to the pond. I needed to get a bit of relief for the antsy-ness I was feeling. I gathered up the little blue chihuahua and bundled up and walked the same path, I always walk. I felt a whisper deep inside, “Why don’t you walk around the long way to get there?” Since I was in a hurry and bombarded with jittery-ness, I hurried along that same familiar path so that I could experience the peace of pond even quicker. I sat down as quickly as I could sit. I called for Friz to come and lie down on my lap. He wasn’t going to have it. I looked for the herd of cats…..nowhere to be seen. I put my head against my old friend Oak. I figured if nothing else, I might get a nap in……wrong again. Mama Crow was perched on her telephone pole. She proceeded to caw at me non-stop for two hours. Granted I have sat and carried on conversation with her before, but this was more like a lecture. When she finally let up, I got up and walked back home.

After everything that went on yesterday, I was essentially an uber bitch to be around, so everyone walked ten feet around me. I don’t blame them….I didn’t want to deal with me either. I made my dinner and at the roomie’s advice, went for a long walk as it cooked. I put my Iphone in my pocket and my headphones on and put the music on shuffle. As I walked, I listened to Omnia…one of my absolute favorite groups. Their song, “Wolf Song” came on:

Stumbling through the winter forest
Her feet froze’ to the bone
The darkness holds no solace
So very, very far from home
A crimson cloak behind her drags
It’s torn by thorns and snagged to rags

Pity maiden for your folly
To venture in these woods alone
Mercy lives not in the holly
No compassion from the stones
Your fear brings tears like summer rain
(Oh mother father where I am?)
They beg for me to ease your pain
(I’m cast adrift what should I do?)

My love oh I beseech thee
Throw thy cloak aside to feed me
Crimson rivers from your veins
Crimson rivers feel no pain
Your long red hair ensnares me
Your warm red blood it calls me
My red right hand shall take thee home

Leave it to Crow and Wolf to lead me yesterday. I felt that whisper again to go a different way from my normal path. I followed this time. It led me deeper into a wooded area surrounding the condo. I went deeper and deeper into the woods. This did not seem like as friendly an area as my pond. It was overgrown in brambles and briars…it was much darker. I smelled the air and it seemed as though trouble had visited here. I felt the beginnings of fear try to rise up. I felt movement by my side…it was the spirit of wolf. I felt the fear start to dissipate. In that same moment I heard Owl in the tree to my left. I knew that all of my dear witches were showing up one by one…..I could sense the spirit of dragonfly, butterfly, cat….and of course, the spirit of Crow. I called on them to encircle me. I sat down gingerly next to a wad of vines….I heard movement. Fear started to grip me again. As I felt the color leaving my face, I see black and white cat padding through those woods…I just about passed out from relief. He curled up on me and looked up at me as if to say, “The same spell doesn’t work for every need.”

Needs have to be met where they are. I know that some of my friends have been going through extremely dark times….as an empath, sometimes I must endure the darkness (accompanied and surrounded by the energies of those who guide and protect me) to send the energy needed and the hope for brighter times. Does it scare me? Sometimes, yes. But sometimes we have to push head-first through fear for strength to kick in. Do we get tangled in the briars and brambles of others troubles? Sometimes….but they do not have to ensnare us and trap us. It is in those moments that Magick truly happens…..we realize who we truly are and what we need to do.

In helping to heal the pain of others, sometimes we find ourselves. We understand that as shielded as we may think we are, sometimes we have to be vulnerable to allow Magick to work through us for others.

I made my way out of the woods with a little black and white cat moving quickly beside me. Once I was on the sidewalk, he was gone again. When I got home, I was greeted with, “Where have you been? I took your dinner out for you before it burned.” The only answer I had was, “I went for a walk…and you wouldn’t believe the things I saw.

Blessed Be!

How Do I See the Myself I See?

Here we are at Mabon. The fall of the year is upon us. Before we know it, it will be Samhain and then Yule and then wheel of the year will start over. This week has been another week of self discovery along with a week of frustrations.

I took some extra time at the pond this week. I needed the relaxation in the midst of a week that was whirling around me. I dealt with a bout of the flu earlier in the week. I am one of those people who don’t like to be slowed down when I am sick. I don’t like to miss anymore work than I absolutely have to….so with Zpac and vitamins and alot of fluids in hand. I trudged forward. I missed one day of work, but oooh was I mean the rest of the week. Now, by nature, I tend to be very fun-loving, caring, gentle….you know, all those warm fuzzy things—but when I am sick….watch out.

I realized this month that the veil seemed to be thinning earlier than usual this year. Especially with the deaths that have happened in my family. My grandma has been ‘hanging around’ much of the time. I figure that I will entertain her until Samhain and then send her spirit on.

It just seems that so many people have had to deal with so many things this year. Sickness, death, finances…..seems like it has just been going non-stop. Memories and spirits have been high on my list.

One of the things that came to light for me in the past week was, in fact, my past. Now for those that don’t know, I was sexually abused from the age of 4 to 14. My way of dealing with this was years of counselling and eventually making my mind up that it had to be put away in a box that was never opened. My thought was that past is past. Move on. I don’t believe this had anything to do with me being gay….I had those feelings from what seemed like the day I was born. Our emotions have a mind of their own, so to speak. This became something that I dealt with on a daily basis.

It is amazing to me what we are willing to believe. I let myself believe the things that the abuser told me about myself for years. When I forced him to stop the abuse at the age of 14, I was told that the only reason he “did that for me” was because he felt sorry for me. I was too fat and ugly for anyone else to care for me. I was too much of a mental and emotional mess for anyone else to be willing to invest in me. Those were words at that time that I chose to believe. It is incredulous what we see when we look at ourselves through someone elses mirror.

It took years of me trying to prove this man wrong to start seeing my true self emerge. I was told I wasn’t talented. I went to New York and acted for a year. I formed musical groups and sang as much as I could sing. I was told I was fat. I starved myself into thinness. I became a gawky twig of a man at the age of 24. I was told that no one else would be willing to invest in me….I jumped from relationship to relationship and from man to man. Even though I thought I was proving something to someone, I was still holding myself to the standards of what I saw in the mirror he held up.

It was a crisp fall day back 10 years ago or so. I went to visit the person who, I felt, had put me through so much. It was time for me to break the glass in that warped mirror. I stood in front of him and told him that he was a liar. None of what he had said to me or about me was true. It was amazing to me what release I received just by putting a voice to that child inside of me who had been suffering for all those years.

When I got home that day, it was time for me to pull out my new mirror. Mine. No one elses. Mine. I actually stood and looked at myself in that mirror for a good long time. Now, when I saw “The Help,” alot of folks made fun of the housemaid telling that little girl, “You is kind, you is smart, and you is important,” but I have found over the years that the way we speak to ourselves is so very relevant. I look at it as a spell spoken over myself. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and speak the qualities that I want reflected.

Now you don’t have to struggle with years of abuse for this to be an issue in your life. Those were just my circumstances. We are all so guilty of measuring ourselves based on someone elses opinion. I have to deal with collections at work. I was beginning to get quite a reputation for being a bitch to deal with….mostly because people seem to treat you like it’s your fault when they don’t pay a bill. I started to see it affecting my personality. I was approached by a fellow supervisor at work a couple of weeks ago about an answer to a situation that had come up. She came to me because “everybody else is afraid of you.” Now that kind of slapped me in my face a bit. A little healthy respect in the workplace is one thing. Fear is another. I like to envision myself more as a modern day Dumbledore, not Dolores Umbridge.

I realized this week that I have allowed myself to slip back in front of someone elses mirror. I had started becoming what everyone thinks of collections people. I made myself promise this week that no matter what, I refuse to respond with anger to anger. I will keep myself in a calmer place. Nothing is worth my blood pressure jumping around like a spastic child. I even went to a fellow employee this week and apologized for a fit of temper.

So, this morning, I went to the pond. The breeze was dancing with the branches of the trees. That little blue chihuahua was right by my side every step. We passed a fellow with a bigger dog and that little blue chihuahua started kicking at the ground and barking and growling. It was obvious that he saw himself through his own mirror. He sees a wolf in the reflection. I had to smile. He also sees me in the mirror that I have made. He sees the gentle soul. He sees the nurturing, loving papa. I nestled under the tree with this little blue warrior and in the distance we see black and white cat coming toward us. I brought cat food this time….I just about never got that smell of sardines out of my clothes last time. He ate pretty close to us. Friz and I had started to drift off to sleep under that big old oak tree and we were both startled awake…..by the feeling of someone making biscuits in my lap. Friz leaned back with a look of disdain. I look down and black and white cat is getting comfortable right beside Friz. Friz leaned his head in, gave black and white cat a lick and we all drifted off again. I guess now I need to give him a real name.

Maybe the reflection I see in that mirror now isn’t so much a Dumbledore, but more of a Hagrid. LOL! The one thing we do have to be able to do is let that reflection change as we change. We all sat there in a clump under that old oak tree listening to the wind blow and feeling the coolness off of the water. This is the Myself I choose to see today.

Blessed Mabon!