During the New Moon this year, as I performed my ritual, I prayed that I would experience freedom like I have never experienced before. There was a promotion on the horizon at work…I was hopeful. On the other hand, I had been the ear for so much anger, bitterness…the type that makes you feel as if your skin will burn off if their words touch you.
I breathed a prayer, “Please Luna…breathe freshness and newness over your people.” As I closed, I placed the seed from my moonflower plant in a cradle of soil on my altar. I poured water over the seed and called for the elements to nurture everything that was lying dormant in that seed and bring it to fruition in my life….hope, growth, newness, and freedom from the shell it was housed in.
As the week progressed, I watched New Moon Blessings manifest. The promotion took effect today, lines of communication have been better between my partner and I, Friz seems to be better (he hurt his leg a few weeks ago)…newness was pulsing all around me. I can feel wonderful new changes stirring inside of me.
Today at work, I talked and laughed with new clients, had a meeting with my new team, and shared my knowledge with the ones who replaced me on my old team. The day had been good. At 6:00pm, I was packing my briefcase to go home…feeling content with the day’s accomplishments. My phone rang. I looked to see that it was my mother. She knew it was my first day in my new position, so she was probably calling to see how my day went.
“Hey there sweetie. It’s Mama. I just wanted to call and tell you that your cousin died today.” Now this wasn’t just any cousin. This was one of the cousins who sexually abused me as a child. My breath caught in my throat. Suddenly, all the years of counselling came flooding back. All the fear I felt when I first told my parents it was happening and they wouldn’t believe me. I felt my cheeks flush…actually, I could feel every ounce of blood rushing through every vein in my body. I didn’t know how to feel.
All at once, I was confronted with every emotion I owned…still sitting in my cube. As I sat there not sure whether to feel sadness, elation…my mentor came up behind me and asked what was wrong. “My cousin died,” I dryly said. “There is more than that happening, but ok. I am here if you need me.” He patted me on my shoulder and smiled at me.
All the way home, all I could think of was how awful my cousin was to me. His abuse didn’t come disguised as caring, loving…his abuse was just that. Controlling, dominating, hateful abuse. I am able to look back now and see that it was much of his own self-loathing surfacing, but that excuses nothing. I have seen many in the same situations not resort to physically hurting others. I remember the constant torment he put me through. He would hit me and trip me. I would go home bruised from his house as he told my parents that I was so clumsy…that my feet were too big for my body and I fell into everything.
I forgave him years ago. I did this for myself…not for him. He never changed. I did. No matter how far away I was from him, there was always something looming over me. Forgiveness came easy, forgetting…not so much. Dealing with the emotional scars to me was so much easier than seeing the physical scars on a daily basis. Am I a stronger person for having dealt with this? Yes…but no child…no adult should ever have to deal with this.
When I got older, he knew better than to mess with me. I had come into my own and would as soon stomp him than look at him…and he always seemed to be at every family gathering. I guarded my girls like a mama wolf when he was around. They knew never to be alone with him, but it never stopped him from acknowledging me with that shit-eating grin that made him think he got away with something. The other cousin who took part in this was more docile as he got older…not this one.
As I drove home, I felt sick to my stomach…angry for feeling relief that he would no longer be standing there staring over my shoulder….sad, because this piece of shit left a wife behind (thankfully he never had children)…and thrilled that no one, ever, ever could be a part of his warped existence anymore.
I ran to the woods as soon as I got home. I completely lost it. As my body heaved, I could feel years of tension, years of feeling like the family guard dog, years of hatred and lack of control leaving me. As I sat in the midst of the woods with my head resting on my arm, I felt something that I have never felt before. It was Freedom…Freedom.