Oh, But My Darling, What If You Fly?

stress test

This week was a fun one.  When one gets to be a certain age, one’s doctor decides that one should be poked and prodded and every manner of indecency should be done to you.  I had a stress test this week.  Nothing was wrong…just routine followup from some issues I had dealt with over the winter.  As I panted my way through the test, the nurse kept asking, “Are you alright, hon?” “I am fat and I am briskly walking on a treadmill.  I am dying.  Can’t you see that?”  I puffed and I wheezed…I begged for mercy.  “Just a few minutes more.”

My heart wanted to break free from the confines of my chest and flop like a dying goldfish on the floor in front of me.  At that moment, the timer went off and the treadmill began to move slower.  My breathing is coming back to me….I am no longer covered in ‘death sweat.’  I sit on the paper covered exam table with my head hanging. The doctor leaves to look at the data while the nurse drains the last of my blood from the back of my hand because all the other veins have collapsed.

153806372

The doctor comes back into the room after what seems like an eternity.  He looks at me and says what I had hoped.  “Mr. Gaddy, you have a very strong and healthy heart…..”  Now wait for it….wait for it….”for a man your size.”  I look up after feeling like I had just been smacked with a wet dishcloth.  “We need to get that weight under control again.”  My mind starts to race, “Oh we do, huh? Come live with me.  Deal with a partner who brings candy by the truckloads into the house constantly.  Live with a roomie who cooks non-stop….like Paula Deen.  Work 10 hour days and only be able to grab a quick bite of heaven knows what for lunch. We have the stress of yet another set of interviews to go through for a promotion just within reach”  “Mr. Gaddy….Mr. Gaddy…did you hear me?  This is our staff nutritionist and she will be going over some realistic changes that you should be able to implement fairly easily.”  “Oh….um hi.”

Yes….sometimes I get so wrapped up in the scenario going on inside my head that I forget that there is a world still moving around me.  I also forget that some people have just as many scenarios going on in their heads.  Many of the scenarios in my mind have me battling things of insurmountable odds to emerge finally victorious.  For most people those scenarios aren’t so kind.

I watched over this past week as a person very dear to me began to question his very worth.  We have been friends for years and years.  He has always been the picture of self confidence…some would even call him cocky.  He has been unemployed now for a year and five months.  He has been taking odd jobs to make the money for rent and food.  He doesn’t spend any of his money frivolously.

He was offered a position with a company.  He had a bad feeling about it.  He asked me to work magick….I did.  I had a bad feeling about the position.  As I worked, I kept sensing manipulation, anger to the point of hatred, cover ups and lying….and through all of this I kept visualizing him being poisoned to death.  He asked me what I saw and I was honest with him.  He turned it down…and in that process it drew him into a dark place.  He started to wonder what was wrong with him…..the question he kept asking me is, “When did I become worth so little?”  I watched as the fire of life itself seemed to fade from his eyes and grayness appeared.

“What is it that you truly…with all your heart…want to do?”  “I thought I knew at one time, but now I’m not completely sure anymore.” “Then it is time to move your heart into that place where passion and ability meet.”  “How do I do that?” “You have to dig deep inside and find your core…the very essence of what it is you were created for.”  I watched as a hint of that fire surfaced.  In his eyes, an adventure was brewing.  Just as quickly I watched discouragement come into his face.  “But what if I fail?” I laughed out loud….”But what if you succeed?”

2015-04-05 05.53.54

I asked myself the same thing this week regarding the pending promotion.  A dear sweet friend reminded me that this was what I had prepared and worked for.  This promotion is a goal that I had set for myself when I started the journey in my new company.  Was I about to let fear of failure keep me from where I had pushed myself so hard to be?  I was reminded of the above quote by a co-worker.  She looked at me, pulled this up on my computer, winked and said, “Personally, I have always seen you as the kind of person who could fly….so break out that broom!”  We both cackled ferociously as her beautiful dayglo pink hair bounced around her beautiful face.

This past week has been a week filled with hope for me….not a week where I have particularly felt more hopeful….but a week in which the hunger to build hope in others has been a strong magickal force.  This has been a week for me to tell the interns at work that they are “only limited by themselves.  You will only be allowed to go as far as you can dream.”

tumblr_lfxl9yljmp1qc79avo1_500

The past two weeks have seen much anger throughout the country regarding LGBT rights…especially because of the new law passed in Indiana.  I know many people throughout this state and feel that to boycott this state would be unforgivable because of the way it would hurt those regular everyday folks who wouldn’t know how to hold hate in their heart even if they tried.  I called on the Goddess this week to help me send a message of hope in the midst of this anger and hatred.  She told me to put my money where my mouth is….so I have been making donations to Indiana’s LGBT groups.  How do you stomp out hate?  Pour magick into and make that thing that is hated even stronger and more visible.  I refuse to feed into the poison being spit at Indiana.

I remember stories of a great great woman.  She was ordered to give up her seat on an Alabama bus.  She sat still.  She didn’t scream or wail.  She sat still…and when asked why she wouldn’t, she replied simply, “Because I shouldn’t have to.”  Now that one act of courage ended in her arrest, but it also helped the cause of the Civil Rights movement.  I refuse to feed hatred one way or another.

Isn’t it time that we stopped pushing people down so that we can watch them hurt?  Wouldn’t you rather give them the ability to fly?

Blessed Be!

witch1

Advertisements

So Here’s To Life…

2013-11-30 21.24.42

Storms happen in life sometimes.  If you have lived any amount of time, you know this.  Bad things happen….good things happen…you deal with it.  I remember reading somewhere a while back that when pilots encounter storms, they try to get above the clouds.  Sometimes, though, you just can’t help it…you get thrown right into the middle of the storms.

This morning, Friz and I started out for our weekend morning walk and time in the woods.  I hadn’t listened all that carefully as I was getting dressed…Friz, however, did.  When I tried to get him out of the kennel, he stayed toward the back, curled up in the blankets.  I got him to come out and got his harness on and my cloak.  We started out the door, to be greeted by torrential rain…not just a tiny rainstorm, but an all out gully washer.  I was eager for Friz just to pee and then we would run inside.  Friz had other ideas…he had to do something a little more, ummm substantial.  There we stood….completely drenched as Friz hunkered down to accomplish what he had set out to do.  When I got back in, I stripped down and dried Friz off.  Cloak was hung to dry and clothes in the dryer.  Friz and I decided that he would go back to bed and I would have coffee and read.  I have learned that in all things there are lessons.  The lesson this morning is, “Sometimes no matter how hard the storms come at you, you have to do what you started out to accomplish.”

When I lived in North Carolina, I worked with an exotic bird group.  My job was to help hand-raise the little Macaw  babies.  Now Macaw babies remind me of puppies.  It was not an unusual occurrence to see me walking around the building with three or four little Macaws waddling after me.  If I sped up, they sped up.  If I slowed down, they did too.  I would put blankets in the middle of the floor and they would all be on top of me playing and making some of the weirdest noises you have ever heard.MacawAfrican_grey_and_many_other_parrots_for_sale

Then came the day that my four babies fledged.  All birds must learn to fly, at some point.  It is a part of who they are…it is built into every fiber of their beings.  I was cleaning the building one afternoon and all of the babies were playing on a playtop that had been designed just for them.  The next thing I know, I hear strange squawks and I turn around and there are four baby Macaws flying straight at me.  There was nothing I could do except stand there and wait for them to land.  I had two on top of my head gripping with sharp little toenails and one on each arm.  They were all very proud of what they had accomplished.  The only thing they needed to do was take that first leap and there was no turning back.

We humans have become so fearful of that first leap.  It becomes too easy for us to settle into whatever we have allowed life to create for us.  I am just as guilty of this as the next person.  In the fall of 2010, I went back to work with a company that I had tried for years to escape…all out of necessity.  I went in with a plan to only stay in the position for a year to gain some experience in accounts receivables, payables and inventory.

Soooooo, here we are three years later and I have watched myself settle into a position that I do not enjoy at all….I have watched myself become a zombie of sorts, staggering about the workplace, repeating the same old things that I have heard those in the position before me regurgitating.  I settled….yes, I settled in major way.  I compromised myself.  I never compromised my own values, principles or morals…..but I did compromise myself.  So when my roommate was ‘let go’ at the end of November….it was the motivation I needed to find myself again and see what could be accomplished.tumblr_myl8rv1NjI1qcm7gio1_500

I started interviewing for positions with a company that has such a wonderful ‘people first’ policy.  I knew that this would not be an overnight process.  I called on those around me and those I knew in the Craft to pour magick into and around me.  I did spell work.  I burned incense.  I called to my familiars…my ancestors…the elements….and the Lord and Lady.  This all came to fruition this past week.  I was given an offer to join this company….in a temporary position that would become permanent.  That word….temporary….freaked me out in every way.  I like stability.  Change is one thing, but temporary, to me has always been a shaky kind of word.  Something that could disappear at any time.

You have heard me talk over the past few months about needing to simplify.  I have worked very hard on this.  I have made myself slow down…quite a bit.  I have learned to breathe.  I have learned to sip my tea instead of gulping it down to rush into the next project.  Was I going to go about this decision differently?  No.  I did exactly what I did when I went bungee jumping years ago.  I stood there feeling that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach…..I took in a few slow breaths….and then…I jumped.  I hurled myself fully into whatever lies out in front of me.

With the decision to move into this made and the response to the offer on its way, I breathed.  This breath was a breath of release….a release of fear….a release of the strain my past job had put on my health, mind and spirit.  I could feel myself moving into that simplicity again.  I dove right into the middle of the storm and what did I find?  Peace.

I am reminded of a song by Shirley Horne…”Here’s To Life.”

No complaints and no regrets.
I still believe in chasing dreams and placing bets.
But i have learned that all you give is all you get, so give it all you got.
I had my share, i drank my fill, and even though i’m satisfied i’m hungry still
To see what’s down another road, beyond a hill and do it all again.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Here’s to life the dreamers and their dreams.
Funny how the time just flies.
How love can turn from warm hellos to sad goodbyes
And leave you with the memories you’ve memorized
To keep your winters warm.
There’s no yes in yesterday.
And who knows what tomorrow brings or takes away.
As long as i’m still in the game i want to play
For laughs, for life, for love.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Here’s to life, the dreamers and their dreams.
May all your storms be weathered,
And all that’s good get better.
Here’s to life, here’s to love, here’s to you.
May all your storms be weathered,
And all that’s good get better.
Here’s to life, here’s to love, here’s to you.

You want to talk about a spell?  The lyrics of that song make a hell of a spell.  As I sat in front of my cauldron Wednesday night watching the fire blaze, I had this song playing softly in the background.  In my smaller cauldron, I had a charcoal disk with incense that a wonderful friend had made for me.  I closed my eyes and visualized all those that I care about dancing across my mind.   I sang this song to each of them.  I sing this song for those of you who will take the time to read these words.

I took a slow walk through the woods this afternoon after the clouds cleared.  I could see in my mind’s eye all of the magick that had taken place in those woods over the past year.  I am sure that each of you can visit those same sacred spaces in your own life.  I realized that it is so important when other things try to overwhelm us….we have to revisit those places of power and peace that we have been gifted with.

I had a wonderful, wild dream last night.  I dreamed that some neighbors had captured a crow. They came and got me because they didn’t know what to do with it. When I got there, I looked eye to eye with this crow. It was very obviously Mama Crow. She was biting everyone else….but when I offered her my hand, she climbed onto it. She nestled herself in the crook of my arm and fell asleep. I never caged her or restrained her, but she never got more than ten feet away from me…cawing nonstop.2014-01-11 22.27.59

I spoke to a wise sister about the dream.  She told me that I had taken many positive steps over the past months.  I ignored what others might have me do….I have listened to the Goddess.  I have become much more confident in myself and my magick….I like the sound of that…my magick.  Nothing that anyone else has given to me….just what has come from my relationship with the Lord and Lady, the elements, and the spirits around me.

This is the year of new beginnings and I am excited to see where the road will lead me.  Yes, there will be rough places in the road…but I will keep moving forward.  So, Blessed Be….Here’s To Life!